Pluto

The S.L.A.M. saga isn't over yet. Lo and behold there's a documentary on YouTube all about the history of Project Pluto from the early design phase to the construction and testing of the nuclear ramjets.











Once again, I have no idea how long these videos will stay here. So for the time being enjoy this informative documentary on the most hideous weapon ever devised. Plus, it has commentary from some of the scientists who actually worked on the project.

And if that somehow still isn't enough S.L.A.M. for you there's a wonderful short story by Charles Stross called A Colder War involving our favorite missile. I don't want to spoil it so I'll just say it involves something called XK-Pluto, an alternate timeline and a poorly timed joke made by Ronald Reagan. Trust me, it's good.

You can read it here.

Order In The Next Five Minutes

I still feel bad about making so few posts last year. I don't know why it happened, it just did. So, I've resolved to not repeat that mistake and write plenty more posts this year. It's 2014 and I'm going to buffet you readers with a neverending whirlwind of album covers and nasty international cuisine. And yet I run into the same problems; my original plan for a long, rambling speech on the future of the Half-Life franchise wasn't going anywhere. So instead, here's some videos of guns:



No, I'm serious.



There's a whole channel of this stuff.



Floating around out there is a huge collection of gun videos. And it's set to smooth jazz of all things. Part of me wants to know why these videos exist, but mostly I feel like I don't want to know. I get this awful feeling like I've stumbled upon some black market Internet gun catalog. It's like they want me to buy one of these machine guns and smooth jazz is their way of enticing me. Or maybe these videos were meant for a specific customer, like they were supposed to be encrypted but weren't. And now that I've seen too much this shadowy organization needs to send a hitman after me. That means I'm in danger.

And now that you've seen them that means you're in danger too.

Of course, it may just be footage from some Japanese documentary, but it's so much more entertaining to imagine the worst.

Thrash Jazz Assassin

Picture it: I'm sitting in my living room. I'm watching Star Trek, eating a sandwich. I think everything is fine and good when suddenly there's a knock on the door. My grandpa gets up to see who it is and we all stop what we're doing to listen in. Because, hey, it might be more relatives. And suddenly I hear the voice on the other side of the door:

"Hi, I was wondering if we could speak to Tyler." And suddenly, my blood runs cold.

"...Chapman." I mutter as I get up to go to the door. Everyone watches as I get up and start muttering some excuse for what's happening.. I suddenly remember, he was in town that day. He made the drive here, I should have expected this.

He's standing outside, talking to his friend and I realize I'm in for a terrible time. They notice me and start spouting gibberish but I don't have any of it. I go back inside and try to explain to my grandparents. But somehow, they accept what's happening. They're not outraged. They're not mortified. So, with nothing else to do to save myself, I get my car keys and head out.

Basically, Haydn drove down here from LA and demanded I co-star in a movie he was making. And really, I had no choice:



Keep in mind, I had no idea he was going to do this. I knew he would be in town, sure. But there was no script, no plan. I never even saw that violin until a few seconds before filming began. And everyone's lines were made up on the spot too. All in all, it was actually a really neat improve exercise.

But then again, I feel like I could have given a better performance if I had a script. Or, you know, if anyone bothered to tell me I was going to be in a movie that day. But no one ever tells me anything, so I guess that wasn't going to happen. What surprised me was how okay my grandparents were with it. I'm not sure I like the idea of people trusting me enough to run out of the house late in the day and filming avant-garde movies whenever I like.

This wasn't the first time I've been a part of one of his projects though. We filmed a tense police drama at the library once. But unfortunately, that plan fell through. I played a tough-as-nails police chief chewing out the main character, McLonewolf for botching a case. I feel like I did a better job that time because, let's face it, I just have the right face for a police chief.

Well, that's all for now. I'll be sure to write about it next time my acting career creeps up on me.

The Abyss

A huge fireball erupted; this had just gotten serious. Of course it didn't take a hoard of demonic spiders rushing at us to tell me that, I was already firing armor-piercing rounds into the cavern and the rest of the squad was doing the same. We had to hurry or else the ground beneath our boots would melt and we would fall through where more spiders would most likely attack us.

The order was given to retreat back to the temple. That emerald monolith stood out as the only feature in the desert of shifting red sand. Movement was difficult, as if we were wadding through custard. I looked down at my boots and realized that the sand had indeed turned into a sloppy barely-edible mass.

"Unacceptable." I thought. Paranoia was working against us again. It was toying with us because it knew we could win this battle easily. But where was the fun in that? What sick pleasure could it derive from us being convenienced in any way? It is because of this that it started to rain sardines and the sand turned into a churning ocean.

Not this time. I reached the temple just in time to see my squad get swallowed by the cruel ocean. I did not mourn, not because the spiders still posed a threat because they didn't, but because I knew I would see them again in some ancient warehouse or intergalactic apartment building far away from here.

This battle was won, for a time. But it wasn't over yet; I still had to scale the steps of the temple. One by one I crawled up those bricks made of ruby stopping every so often to look out on the horizon. The ocean had turned back to sand and the three moons I had grown so accustomed to still hung in the sky with silent grace. From up here I could see the shell of the great turtle, Speedy, slowly shifting back and fourth as he crossed the sands. Yet, the pinnacle of the temple appeared no closer.

How much longer must I climb? Had I not suffered enough already today? Paranoia bid my pleading no mind. So I climbed, I climbed for days. I climbed as the moons spun around me wildly and the birds scoffed at my effort. I've noticed that ignoring the birds has become so much harder now-a-days mainly because that in between their trolling and chatter is what sometimes amounts to useful insight. In this case, they were ridiculing me because these temple steps were not going up, but had, in their indifference to my cause, twisted themselves into a mobius loop.

Typical. Obviously this journey had to wait another day. But as long as I stayed alive this temple would still be here. So I jumped down into the starry abyss below knowing that I would be carried back on the wings of scornful crows to my home among the phosphorescent pools and rusting oil drums.

The Deal

After some quick Google'ing I have a pretty good idea of what people think of Paranoia.

What?

No, I am NOT done talking about this. It's my magnus opus.

First of all, some of the biggest complaints it's gotten is that there isn't enough combat. On the other hand, some people have said that the brief few-and-far-between fights were a good thing. Other's have said that it wasn't really memorable, that while it was all weird and nonsensical Paranoia doesn't stand out enough. The implications of this are startling; there are people out there who want my maps to be weirder.

Also, apparently a lot of people have been having trouble with the puzzles. The biggest offenders seem to be the lever that turns on the power for the first elevator, the breakable floorboards in the swamp and resisting the compulsion to shoot the medic (I named him Leon) near the end.

I really don't know how to go about that last one. I could make the solutions more obvious but that might displease some of the more puzzle-affluent players. As for the other problems; make sparse fighting scenes that stand out for being over-the-top awesome and not even messing around with normal architecture next time around. Surrealism is now the rule, not the exception.

What makes a good abstract map? This does:

• Exploration. The player cannot be punished for poking around a bit.
• Juxtaposition. Some of the best Surrealism came from putting familiar objects in strange places. Rene Magritte was really one of the best at this.
• Confusion of Perspective. Make the player question where they are; Up? Down? On a Train? Riding a Moose? M.C. Escher is one of the best references for this kind of thing.
• Trains. I have a feeling trains will be synonymous the the Paranoia series.

What? Oh right, I've made a slew of videos this past couple of days. Nothing special. This one was actually co-created by Idontknow.

I can always tell that it'll be a huge mess when we make videos together. This one for example: Yes, these clips were very easy to make and took no time at all. How long did we spend making this video? At least three hours. You see, the evening started when I sent him a link to a video of Gary Busey. We both decided that it would be hilarious to remake that scene in Garry's Mod (First person to guess which movie it's from wins.). We planned the scene, made the server, and the got to work. However, we decided to review the original footage with the In-game Youtube Player Addon and that's when all our efforts crumbled around us. Gary's insanity must have reached out to us because in no time at all the entire map was engulfed in fire. We went around breaking every window in the level and then put mattresses in the hole. Why? To keep Gary Busey out of the house, that's why. Almost every NPC was dead by the time we started filming again.

And then we went back to breaking windows.

I regret nothing.

I almost forgot to mention, Paranoia was mentioned on the TVTropes page for Garry's Mod. So that's something to think about.

WON HUN-DREAD SUBSKRIBERS

That's right ladies, one hundred.

Was I anticipating this day? Just a bit, not really though. I never thought of myself as someone who would get one hundred. As for my movies, they certainly don't seem like the kind that deserve one hundred subscribers either. Well, like it or not I'm a very successful person now and you should treat me like one.

Here's the video to prove it:


There seems to be a wee discrepancy though. As I've already said, Youtube is a lying, no-good, rotten website full of crooks that don't care if all their garbage is broken. So on the channel it actually says I have 99 subscribers. The only way to see the hundred is to go to the last page of the list of subscribers. This infuriates me to no end. Honestly, their incompetence makes me so angry I want to throw my desk out the window and beat someone silly with a tire iron.

I just hate Youtube so much it makes me sick.

Notoriety

I've been talking about maps a lot recently so why stop now?

As I'm sure quite a few of you remember, a little less than a year ago Abstract Hallways was released to the unsuspecting public. It has the distinction of being the first abstract map I ever made and therefore awful. But apparently not awful enough to not use as the set of several videos on Youtube. That's right, searching "abstract hallways" on Youtube brings up these dandies:

This first one is some dude walking around the map for what he wants us to believe to be the first time. Naturally I don't believe a word of it. If that was his first time in Paranoia's embarrassing relative then why did he so conspicuously avoid the "Vaporization Room" and never look up at the ceiling? Think about that.


This next one sets itself up as a horror movie-style horror movie, I'll just leave it at that.


This one is of course my favorite. Really, the Demoman can make anything scary.

I really am flattered that people have used Abstract Hallways in their videos, it makes me wonder what they might do with Paranoia or...no I've said too much already.

I am Extremely Upset!

This is what happens when cooperate idiots decide that doing the exact opposite of what the people using their product want is a good idea! These new channel layouts for Youtube are ugly. Not only that, but Youtube is being intolerably stupid in insisting on using these "new" clunky, obtuse, and hard-to-use-in-any-and-all circumstances God-Forsaken trash of jumbled stubbornness. The word "Stubborn" really is the only way to describe people who, after recieving what I can only imagine to be thousands of emails from very angry people who are not only unhappy with the proposed change in layout but are activly revulsed by it decide to go ahead and change everyone's channel to this absurd and absolutely unneccisary change. At least give us options!

You Know What I'm Excited About? Volume One

You know what I'm excited about this week? Zeppelins. Infact, airships in general are just a great form of travel. They're visually striking, especially when they fly overhead in that slow monolithic way that they do. Slow is also an integral part of the zeppelin experience. Some might say that zeppelins are too slow and that they're inferior to crass barbaric jet engine technology. But zeppelins are slow in a graceful way, taking their time to get to their destination. Zeppelins let the passager take time to look down on the landscape from their lofty lighter-than-air cabin.

Not only do zeppelins have that old-world charm of the turn of the 20th Century but they are so iconic. Consider how many times zeppelins make apperences in Science-Fiction and Fantasy (which as far as I'm concerened are still two very different genres!) especially Steam-Punk. Theres an inate appeal in art-deco, steam powered machines and of course zeppelins. This is why I loved Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge as much as I did, zeppelins in a fantastic setting.

Speaking of which, I never got to see Sky Capitan and the World of Tomorrow for this very reason. You see, when it came out I was but a wee lad and my parents didn't think too highly of zeppelin-centric entertainment. Maybe I'll review it someday if I ever get to see it, or any movie for that matter.

So yeah, this week I'm excited about zeppelins. Tune in next week for another exciting chapter: Sweden.

Also, I made a new video but you already knew that.

Angry Update! Videos!

I recently uploaded a video detailing my trip to the Comic-Con. Calling it a fun, unforgettable even simply would not be enough. I got to meet people who I only thought of as text on my monitor, David Malki !, Chris Hasting, and ever Leonard Nimoy. Either way, this videa sums up the experience well.

DELICIOUS!

Good news everyone! I just made a new video today which I'm sure you will all greatly enjoy. I'd hazard to guess it'll be awarded several gold cups. What's that you say? What ever happened to Paranoia? Don't worry progress on the map is still going swiftly and will be completed summarily. What neither you nor I can do is convince that rabble in the streets to give up their senseless struggle.

PARANOIA: Huge Money

So Guys, I'm making a map for Half-Life 2, and incidentally my third post ever on my blawg. It's called Paranoia and your going to want. I've been uploading videos showing off new areas every so often to the Youtube. Heres the newest one. The aim to it all is to make a surreal and creepy map where the player must solve puzzles, explore, and occasionally fight stuff. Y'know? So far everything is going smoothly, especially so since I've learned to make workable displacments with Hammer. So yeah.