Saturday, June 5, 2010

Worst Album Covers EVER

As some of my readers (Mother) know, I really enjoy bad album covers. There's a strange but inescapable appeal to these awful sleeves that hide what could very well be even worse music. Here are just a few of my favorites.

God Isn't Dead! by Gertrude Behanna

Let's start off with something easy. When swimming through biblicaly bad album covers I usually overlook this one. But there's a certain charm to Gertrude here. Not smugness, but an empathy. She cares about my addiction to needles and cartoon olive oil bottles. That or she's laughing at the poor tiny woman trapped in one of said bottles.

Ken by Request Only

Oh Ken. He's got the right stuff. The perfect blend of baffled giant heads and dark forbidding sheds. Someday I hope my moustache is like Ken's.

The Swingin' Eye

The Swingin' Eye is coming to get you! It's already killed your neighbors with it's jazzy swingin'!


Tino is fabulous, it goes without saying. What's not fabulous is that he reminds me of a couple of my friends. I wouldn't know if their thighs are as perfectly smooth and tan as Tino's.

But really, just look at him; because he's certainly looking at you. Into you. Those eyes are bold and knowing. They speak to the viewer, telling you that your love for him is forbidden.

All My Friend's Are Dead

Moving on...

Doin Thangs

I realize that many of these album covers are pretty old. Bear in mind, unbearable covers are still being made today. Some were just barely conceived last decade. The sight of bears smoking cigars might give some paws but I assure you, the "thangs" that those gentlemen are doin are entirely legitimate. Not that they won't exercise their right to bear arms once and a while. Not that they would have to: they could end your life with their bear hands.

Something Something by Kjell Kraghe

Look at how jolly he is! Kjell lives in a perfect world, a world full of tiny boats and even tinier islands. Don't you wish you could be a giant like Kjell? Don't you wish you could wear polyester with as much self-assurances as him?

The McKeutheu's

Oh goodness.

We can't all live in a perfect worlds like Kjell. At least we know we can still have audacious hair.


Moving swiftly through the desert.
Cannons blasting as he came.
I heard a mighty metal warlord
crashing down in sheets of flame.
Sensing victory was nearing,
thinking fortune must have smiled,
people started cheering,
"Head for the hills it's Tarkuschild!"


Oh Heino! How could you!?

Don't look him directly in the eye, he'll turn you into roses.


Shelley a.k.a MOTHER said...

just absolutely classic Tyler
kudos to you
you made me laugh

Anonymous said...

I only have a small chunk of bald smoothness on my right leg the rest is a grotesque forest Spanish hair.

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