Album Covers of the Gods

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time...

FOR ALBUM COVERS!

SUPREME!

Wouldn't You Like It? by the Bay City Rollers


No, I wouldn't like it. At all. Honestly, were you boys even aware that they had taken the picture!? Look at that one at the bottom, he's transforming into a were-squirrel. That one to the right? He was thinking about how much he would like to be wearing footie-pajamas right now instead of doing a photo-shoot, he was startled out of his day-dream when the camera flashed. The one in the middle thinks he can get all the ladies with that poofy bird's nest do and pasty chest.

The only one who looks like he knew what was going on is leftie there and I'm still questioning his sobriety.

De-Loused In The Comatorium by the Mars Volta


"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

Many Moods by the Al Russ Orchestra


The elves of Rivendell are well known for their music and merrymaking so it was a big surprise to everyone that their debut album did so poorly.

In the Court of the Crimson King by King Crimson


That is the face of someone running from Tarkus if I ever saw one. Incidently, it reminds me of another color-themed monarch.

And don't worry, there is a My Little Pony version featuring Spike.



You know, in case you were wondering.

Polonase Blankenese durch Gottlieb Wendehals


Gottlieb ähnelt mein Biologielehrer aus der Mittelschule, dies sowohl erschreckt und verwirrt mich. Ich kann mir nicht helfen, aber denke, dass sie einen in die gleichen sind, und er ist nur mit der Farce, um das Gold aus den verbotenen Tempel zu stehlen.

Ja!

Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun


Just in case you were wondering what it would look if David Lynch and David Bowie did a reboot of the Star Wars franchise.

Butterfly by Cheryl Dilcher


Skittles got into Cheryl's "special" tea bags the morning of the recording. By the time he had regained consciousness he was covered in exotic feathers and glitter. It was only later that he realized he had painted a self-portrait in the style of Louis Wain. The producer loved it so much he decided to make it the official cover art. They saved a bunch of money on an artist, Cheryl avoided explaining the tainted tea to the record company and everyone was happy.

Except Skittles, he's still having acid flashbacks.

Reborn by Orion


Ethel Merman had succeeded in destroying Don Elliot after he harnessed the power of jazz for his evil deeds. Afterwords, she went on to have a successful film career. But soon, a challenger appeared. Her old nemesis, Orion, had returned.

"But you were eliminated by the mighty Tarkus!" She cried from atop of the Pink Flamingo Hotel.

"I have returned, I am...Reborn." Orion said as he fired his bedazzler beam.

Michael Bolton by Michael Bolton


Tasteless, cheap and just dripping with sleaze. I defy anyone to find it attractive.

Plus the cover is awful too.

Get Away From Me by Nellie Mckay


If my sister was ever an album cover she would be this one.

Menudo


It was a great day for everyone. The boys got those fancy new windbreakers that they've been wanting and still had enough money to get their picture taken at Sears.

BUENO!

El Toque es Unliiigolazo!!! Por Rulli Rendo Orquesta y Coros


Cosmo Kramer no permitió que su mutación inesperada bajarlo, con el fondo amarillo que apenas se puede decir que él sigue siendo brillante.

ME GUSTA!

Country Church


What secret is so terrible that they must hide it behind those mustaches?

HEINO!


Heino! Do not dare to hide yourself from his dapper blue sweater.

Thinking About Them Things

If there's one thing I like it's underground parking structures. They seem so futuristic to me, in a cyberpunk kind of way.



If there was ever a calamity that ended civilization I think I'd try living in a parking garage, even if it was for a little while. It wouldn't even be a big disaster either, 75% of the population would still be around and there I would be, hunkered down in my garage. Like a spider.



Keeping the electricity on would be an issue most likely and the threat of hobo invasion is an ever present one. Still, I could create my own garage society down there. They're practically bunkers. I could ally myself with the aforementioned disenfranchised invaders and we could set up a free market economy down there. We could use bottle caps as money.



Even if the garage itself wasn't viable for habitation I would still try out the air vents at the very least.

I'd like to think there's a secret shadow-civilization of people who have adapted for life in air vents. Perhaps in earlier generations the air vent people were secret agents sneaking into bases but got stuck, or maybe scientists fleeing their labs but got lost. They could even be hobos.

Either way, an entire generation of people got lost in the depths of the air conditioning system and started to mutate. We just don't know they're in our vents because their snake-like bodies don't make sound when moving through the vents. Plus, since they only feed on algae and whatever they can scavenge from the snack machine they hardly make a dent on the garage economy (after all, who's going to notice a few missing twinkies ever month or so?).

Who knows what they could be doing up there; staring at us as we dress, rerouting the pipes to create a makeshift spa from the redirected water heater, stealing cable, maybe they're even planning on stealing our precious bottle caps.

No, that won't do. I'm moving to one of those decommissioned ICBM silos. I heard they're actually cheaper then most houses.

The Archives

As you all know, mapping is a monumental undertaking. It requires planning, forethought and plenty of experimentation. When making Insomnia I had several other maps built for the purpose of testing various features. Think of them as the books Gehn stole from the D'ni library to practice The Art; they're shoddily put together and hard on the eyes. These rough, blocky laboratories are some of my very own prototypes, never intended for mass production; too ugly to let live, too rare to let die.



Here we are in lesaw.bsp. Even though it's a cramp little cabin (with no obvious exits) in the middle of nowhere, it would be a bit inaccurate to say that it's nothing spectacular. This was where the experimentation with sprites happened and it made the over-all "sparkly-ness" of Insomnia possible.



Technicians didn't like to go in redroom.bsp. It might be the color scheme or maybe sheer loneliness. Whatever it was, the whole crew made an effort not to go in there during development.

Won't you stay a while?



Here's where we tested various light sources. I'm not sure what's going on with that blue aura on the far right. We condemned the whole map, just in case it was radioactive.



sweepy.bsp was always the life of the party during development. Everyone hung out here, trying on new ai_actbusy entities. Here's Sweepy himself, toying around with the scripted_sequences and generally keeping the place neat and tidy.



Oh, and here's Paul. He was awful to work with. There wasn't a fiber of professionalism in his whole body. It got so bad that we had to break off all creative ties with him. Good timing too, we avoided some costly litigation in the process. His drinking habits were a serious detriment.



Seriously, pull yourself together.



train.bsp is a long, starkly minimalist tunnel. There's nothing here except a single rusting engine that speeds on through and reappears on the other side.

There are no sounds except the wheels of the train.

There are no people.

That train will keep on like that forever.

...

Here's something interesting. Back when abstract_hallways was still being built a friend on Steam asked me to make a city for him. Thankfully, he didn't want a city in the same way Paris or Los Angeles are cities. He just wanted a bare-bones group of blocky buildings to work with. On one hand this was good for me because it meant that I wasn't condemned to spend the rest of my life planted at my desk duplicating brushes. On the other hand, he had given me permission to make a hideous maze of plaster blocks. Considering that I had just started mapping and had no idea what I was doing this was especially dangerous.

I made the abomination in a matter of days and promptly forgot about the whole affair. For almost two years it didn't enter my thoughts again. Well, just recently I had the opportunity to look at his modifications from way back when.

What I found was twinworlds.bsp, a terrible memory of the past.



Here's the only source of light in the entire map, everywhere else is pitch black. It took several minutes of searching just to find this little spot, after I found it I didn't want to leave. The darkness suddenly seemed too terrifying to contemplate.



Eventually, I worked up the courage to leave the warm glow of safety and explore the building I found myself in. Waves of memories came back as I saw the crude architecture. "All those hours of toil..." I thought, "And this is what it's turned into?".

The map is so dark that it's impossible to take a picture of the whole thing. But know that it is a giant cave, with moss all over the walls on either side with the city at one end and a duplicate of it on the other.

I traveled to see the duplicate city, maybe there was civilization on the other side. If I was searching for signs of people I found it...



This is one of the many pools of blood on the other side, all of them dried up as if nothing has lived here in years. Everything in the duplicate city seems older, more broken down then the other side. I don't dare go inside the buildings and keep to the crumbling street, my only protection being my flashlight.



Many of the buildings can't even be entered. The "door" on this one was painted on to the wall.



I stuck to the street the whole time, eventually it just stopped and dropped off into nothingness.

I don't know if I'll ever return to Twin Worlds, perhaps some things are better left forgotten.

Dreamquest of Unknown Tennis Courts

I had such a bizarre dream last night that I had to tell you all.

I live for dreams like these, odysseys, voyages through my own subconscious. Last time I had a dream this elaborate I turned into a giant slug creature and went on a ski trip. There were also dragons. Either way, the very same morning of my writings this I had a journey that would take so many twists and turns that I began to doubt what was real.

It didn't begin last night though, while I do remember last night's dream it had little to do with the dream-quest. In a way it was only a prelude, or a prequel to what was to come.

Last night, I was in an enormous bookstore that may have doubled as a model home. This would make sense, because I've wanted to go see some model homes recently, just for old time's sake. Either way, I was trapped in this huge building, filled with books, with some dudes. They were all dressed in military fatigues and carried what looked like Smith & Wesson 76's. I had no doubt that they wanted to kill me so I started to search for a hiding place. Surprisingly, I don't think I had a gun. Ignoring this disappointment, I ran across a lawn that seemed to split the building in half. On the other side was a sort of cabin with more books in it. There was a back room behind here, it was very dark and there was a disco ball. Even further, behind a bead-curtain door is yet more books but also C3-PO and R2-D2. Again, this doesn't come as a surprise because last night I was listening to the disco version of the Star Wars theme song.

To my surprise, it wasn't the armed dudes who killed me, but my sister. It makes sense, it's always one's greatest fear that people confront in their dreams.

I woke up, and immediately set about writing down what had happened. It was 7:45 and I was still tired. I barely remembered falling asleep again...

I was in my house, my whole family was sitting around a table. Unlike my real house, this one is full of clutter and antiques. The entire building appears to be constructed from the same very dark, almost black, wood material.

Suddenly, we're outside and a swarm of rabbits engulfs us. While I'm delighted at the sudden appearance of bunnies I don't question it. There's a rusty old jungle-gym and an unnamed person put's a large brown rabbit on one of the swings. Everyone present tells this person how bad of an idea that is but they continue. Not unexpectedly, the rabbit breaks an arm. I rush over to take it and call a vet.

I'm in what I presume to be my room, with the rabbit at my side. I'm on the phone with a medical professional when who-else but Jeff the stuffed sheep appears.

As many of my readers know, I have a very extensive collection of stuffed animals, almost bordering on "man-child" quantities. Jeff is a tiny sheep with a little rattle inside and a perpetual smile. This makes sense, Jeff is a baby toy, as in, from the Baby Gap at the mall. Again, the term "man-child" seems an apt description.

Anyway, Jeff slithers across my bed to hand me a large stack of papers. They're all covered in esoteric symbols and writings, one of them may have even said I was dreaming. Either way, I wasn't paying attention to those ones because most of the papers were coupons and I was feverishly searching through those.

I'd just like to point out that I was questioning the reality of my situation this whole time, mainly because of the sudden changes of location and the appearance of dozens of rabbits. I actually thought several times, "This is a dream, this rabbit isn't actually in danger.". But at no point did I question Jeff suddenly coming to life and handing me coupons.

The house disappears again and I'm feeling very depressed. The rabbit might die and I'm somewhere else entirely. This time, I'm in a park. Freshly cut lawns and huge oak trees are everywhere, people are having picnics, there are several bands playing. Imagine Balboa Park in severe disrepair, covered in tropical plants and apparently built on top of an ancient tennis court and you have an idea of the place. There were old, crumbling tennis courts everywhere.

This is distressing, I don't even play tennis. But I'm all but certain that I'll be integrating this place to the new map if I can.

Either way, I'm having so much fun just strutting around that I forget about the rabbit (or that I'm not wearing shoes) and I can't help but smile. I spend several hours just exploring these Myst-like ruins, listening to the gentle sound of the bands playing in the background. There's a free movie theater somewhere and food courts everywhere. I go to one and a very large burrito materializes before me, it overflows with beans.

Some of my school-friends are there and I tell them about my plight.

"How am I supposed to go to Sea World if I'm trapped in this dream?" I ask them. "I don't even remember how I got here so I must be dreaming."

"HEY! SORRY I CAN'T MAKE IT TO SEA WORLD!" I yell at the sky, hoping that my cries will somehow pierce the veil of sleep. "I'M STUCK IN A DREAM!"

The sky darkens and it starts to rain, it's hot and tropical. A thick fog develops and the air get's steamy and humid. I'm in a city, it's almost nighttime and the sky is a deep purple dotted with stars. I have my fancy new MP3 player with me and I decide to start making a log of my travels.

"Captain's Log, stardate 42.56..." I start, but I'm almost run over by a car.

The person driving is a woman I recognize from another dream, she has a stern look on her face.

"It's time you wake up now." She said, tired of this adventure. "You're mother needs you."

Suddenly, I "wake up". I'm back at the house. I ask everyone if the rabbit is okay, they nonchalantly tell me it died as I sink back into another depression.

And then I wake up again and immediately started writing this here and now you're reading it.

Keep in mind, all this happened from 7:50 something to 10:00. This was a sprawling, labyrinthine quest that took whole days. It very well could have been a dream within a dream too. Who knows how many of these I have and I just don't remember them, all the more reason to start working on that dream-recorder I keep telling people I'm going to invent.

Also, if you want to psychoanalyze these events, feel free to do so in the comments section.

Devious Schemes

Hey everybody! Just a quick update this time mainly because I don't have much interesting to say.

It's been over two months since Insomnia finished and I'm not quite ready to tackle the final map in the Paranoia trilogy. Although, my sister and I were discussing it and we're inclined to think that Hypnophobia will be much more horror-themed then the last two. I'm already getting visions of blood and skeletons. Mostly skeletons.

Also, I'm sure you remember a few posts back where I said that Insomnia eventually stopped compiling because there were too many brush faces. Well, I'm thinking of starting Hypnophobia with the same areas I was planning for the end of the last map. This means it may or may not start in a modern art museum.

Neat!