Monday, June 18, 2012

Everything is More Horrible in Texas

So it's been about a week since I stepped off the plane to begin my banishment here in the corn capital of the world. Yes...Texas.

Seriously, I've put off writing this post for so long because I have trouble putting into words just how bizarre this place is. I'm serious. It's not like just being in another state. It's like another state of mind, another country; for what it's worth I might very well be on a different planet.

Sure, everyone knows that people from Texas love their precious state, it's kind of taken for granted. But it's impossible to really understand how much they love this state without actually being here and seeing the insanity firsthand. Everyone has the ubiquitous Lone Star above their front door. Everyone. Plus, the Texas flag is absolutely everywhere too, more than the American flag by a large margin. Remember how in Half-Life 2 the Combine would plaster their planet-in-claw symbol on everything they owned? It's like that, everything here has the star on it to remind you that this is TEXAS.

It gets worse.

See, I'm from California so I'm used to rolling hills and dramatic landscapes. I'm most at home at the sea and the vinyards of our noble wine country. There is none of that here. Really, there is no way to prepare oneself for how flat this state is. I swear, on a clear day I can see New Mexico if I focus on the horizon. The geometrically perfect flatness is, dare I say, harrowing.

And it's hot, relentlessly so. There's a constant cloud cover that acts like a giant meteorological oven, baking any poor lifeforms trapped underneath it. To step outside is to be suffocated by the thick, murky air and to be roasted by the intense glaring heat. There's very little shade here, since practically all the land is occupied by corn. Seriously, there is corn everywhere. In every single direction I look there's just more corn.

But there's always the internet, right? I can always escape this desert island in the sea of corn and plunge into the waiting arms of TVTropes, right?

Wrong. Since we're out in the country we can only be connected to the internet for about an hour each day. This land is so desolate that it resists connection like a white blood cell resisting the cold. This post has actually taken two whole days to write just because I never have enough time to finish it, especially since I have to share this ancient laptop with three other people.

I'm serious, I might die out here. If I keep living like this it'll do me in. The only solace I have is that Mother bought me a tiny USB salt lamp yesterday. They're like regular lamps except they're blocks of salt. Apparently, when it's turned on it emits "negative ions". Details are vague but apparently it's supposed to cure cancer or something, it magics away disease. We got it at some hippy surplus store so I'm not to confident in it's abilities to cure me of my chronic sorrow.

That's all for now. Just in case this post seems more incoherent than usual it's because, again, I can only be on here for an hour at a time or less, so proof-reading isn't feasible.


Anonymous said...

It's your clone, sir, the Daniel. Pull together, sir, we have much to discuss and little internet to discuss with. Good luck, sir.

Shadgrimgrvy said...

Believe me, I wish I could, but ten minutes a day isn't enough for all the schemes we need to get cooking.

Let's do lunch.

Anonymous said...

Understandable, not at the moment, but you're not out there forever, ideally, yes? Upon your return or grand discovery of internet that does not sizzle and die in the Texas heat, do send a message posthaste.

Shadgrimgrvy said...

Absolutely. When I am reborn from the BBQ paste coated bosom of Texas I will be certain to notify you of that glorious occassion. In the meantime...I'M GOIN' TO BUC-CEE'S!


Post a Comment