Paranoia was finished one year ago today! Bats for everyone! I could sit here and tell you what a great achievement its been...so I will!
On PlanetPhilip it's been downloaded 11 times.
On FBSBanana it's been downloaded 150 times.
On garrysmod.org it has been downloaded 13122 times...
And from the in-game Toybox on Garry's Mod it has been downloaded on 56,296 separate occasions.
So I feel totally justified in turning December 30th into yet another surreal holiday. But of course you're not here to hear about that old map. No, you wonder where Insomnia is. I assure you that despite the lack of videos or any evidence of it's continued existence I am working diligently to make it the single greatest map ever released on the Source engine.
And I do have pictures!
Here we see the Lens, if OSHA ever saw this thing they would have a conniption. Thankfully they don't exist in the same calabi-yau manifold as the Paranoia Universe.
Fabulous energy generators! This particular model harnesses zero-point energy from a vacuum chamber inside it. Because of this, entropy in the Paranoia Zone is slowly decreasing.
One of many deluxe prism-based transporters that are used to move through sentient non-euclidean space.
Fun fact: Real Estate is the single most dangerous and important job in the Paranoia Dimension.
Trains are another popular, if very dangerous, mode of transportation.
While mansions and white rooms with black curtains are abundant in Paranoia-Land many citizens prefer humble apartments as they're easier to flee from in case Tarkus attacks.
The Combine have a significant presence in both Paranoia and Insomnia. But not even they truly understand their purpose for being there.
Parking garages are strange, nigh-mystical places in Real Space; they're are even more so in Insomnia.
I really need to work on updating this faster, two weeks without any god-awful sci-fi. Oh well, they're not as great as I remember anyway (not that that will stop me from uploading it later).
Insomnia is starting to look good, better than Paranoia I would dare say. I'm working on the first really big fight scene today, as we speak. Alas, there's no video for it yet but oh-ho! there will be.
But that's not all, there's been something I've been meaning to mention here for a very long time but has been pushed aside in favor of maps, aliens and even polish movie posters. What I speak of, of course it the Dalek Objectivist Empire.
You see, a couple months ago I was the administrator of a steam group called the Happy Chair Clan, but it was owned by Ou812, someone who as I pointed out earlier is a terrible terrible person. As I am myself an Objectivist, I couldn't just sit there and not be the owner and total authority of the group, especially not after I put so much effort in keeping it alive. I posted what I estimate to be 99.8% of all announcements and group events, as well as invited most of it's members while Ou812 sat on his hands and didn't do a single iota of work to ensure it's survival.
Then, in a fit of what some would call "faggotry", he demoted me from being administrator to a lowly member. This would not do. Me and the other admins as well as the majority of the members formed our own group, one that has prospered; in the short time that it has existed this group has gained more members then the Happy Chair Clan ever did.
So head on over to the Dalek Objectivist Empire, where the scientist is not bound by petty morality where the Dalek does not fear the Doctor, where the great are not constrained by the small. I built it from the ground up, and with the sweat of your brow, D.O.E. can become your group too.
Ah yes, camping. The more I look back on it I yearn once again to see the proud cedars and oaks, to hear the gentle wind snake down the valley, to see wild turkeys lead a silent parade through the fields in the wee hours of the morning. But I do not miss the cold; the bitter, frigid cold that threatened me at all hours of the day and night, the cold that made my moustache quiver and my fingers freeze in place so I have no idea whether I have arthritis or some awful paralyzing disease.
See? I told you, that deer was charging straight for me, I hazard to guess that the only reason it fled was because it saw my moustache and immediately realized that is was a man it headed towards.
As for that science-fiction I wrote, it's all fragments of much larger stories so I think some explaining is in order: The year is 2099, mankind has colonized other planets and moons including Mars, Europa, Titan and even Mercury. All the interplanetary trade and politics is regulated by one organization: The IASA (International AeroSpace Administration). The IASA, in addition to many other independent space agencies and corporations are slowly taming the Final Frontier as mankind is headed towards a golden age of science and exploration.
The catch? Killer robots from Mercury. An uprising from sabotaged artificial intelligences has made Mercury even more inhospitable then it already was and now the so-called Killbots are waging a war against the Human race.
Our story begins on Titan, where an unassuming colony is receiving visitors of the hostile kind...
Henry's heart pounded as he loaded a fresh clip into his gun. The readout went from 00 to 45 as the ammunition clicked. "This is it." He said. His knees knocked together and his sweat ran cold as the sound of machinery came down the hallway. Through the thick yellow haze of the leaking atmosphere he could see the dark monolithic form slowly moving towards him.
"Ready...now!" Both engineers turned and opened fire as the hallway exploded with the sound of tearing metal.
45...37...21
Henry was emptying every last bullet into the shining metal machine.
19...10...5
"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!" The Killbot screamed as sparks flew.
3...2...1
Zero. Both guns clicked empty, the Killbot and the wall behind it were pock-marked rubble, totally inert. Henry and Debbie breathed heavily through their bulky masks, their goggles fogged. Debbie was still shakily pointing her gun at the broken Killbot.
"I think it's dead." Henry said. "Come on, we've got to get out of here before more come."
They ran. The Killbot however glared at the fleeing Humans with it's glowing red eye. It swiveled it's death-ray to face them and fired. Debbie's suit immediately burst into flame as the beam hit her. She collapsed on the floor, he screams echoing through the radio.
"Keep going!" She choked as her skin boiled. The Killbot fired again and she exploded in her suit.
"CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!" The Killbot shouted as Henry ran for Sector Q.
...
So yes, that's what I predict the future to be like. There'll be flying cars, sure. There'll even be world peace and an end to world hunger. But keep this in mind, there will also be Killer Robots and you cannot escape from them, ever.
I just got back from a week long camping trip at William Hesie County Park and immediately gorged myself on Internet. That's not to say the trip wasn't enjoyable, it was. The first two days however, it rained. Alot. Thankfully I had brought a copy of Slaughterhouse-Five and Frankenstein, I hadn't read either before and they were predictably depressing except for when the Tralfamadorians showed up, that was a hoot. I also started writing some of my own science-fiction while it was raining and some of them have very gruesome death scenes. I might put it on here if it's good enough.
After the rain stopped I finally was able to walk around and explore the park. I went on the Canyon Oak Trail, then the Desert View Trail, then other trails with similar names. As far as I could tell, basically all of them. The Desert View Trail is the one that stood out to me the most, a long meandering path that goes up hills that surround the park and ends at the very top. By the time I got up there I was over 4,000 feet above sea level. At the top is a little granite platform with a telescope. That was all fine and good but I was more concerned with getting down, the wind was so cold and so strong that I felt like I would either flash-freeze up there or be blown over the side and fall all the way to the bottom.
Other then that, we went to Julian which is a little town that's just a mile away. We had breakfast there and looked around the gift shops, I bought a little crow plushie as it is my tradition to buy a bird every time we visit. It's the reason why I'm surrounded by owls in all the videos I appear in.
Speaking of videos, I took a couple while we were there! Including one of a deer running past me.
I looked that deer straight in the eyes, it couldn't have been more than three yards away. I could see the dew on it's fur coat, suddenly it started galloping right towards me but turned and fled into the hills and I got it all on video.
That's right, the final chapter in this journey across space. Granted, this wasn't finished yesterday like I hoped. But that's simply because it's been proven that there is less time during the week and therefore it is impossible to get anything done after I get home.
ANYWHO!
5. Advisors
I promise you, this is the last we'll be hearing from Half-Life! Geez, these things. I think it would be very upsetting to see one of these in real life. Imagine if you will a giant cybernetic slug that can crush you with it's mind. Sure, Vulcans can mind-meld but Advisors can, and have, twisted people like licorice and thrown them across a building.
Now, for anyone unfamiliar, the Advisors are like bureaucratic middlemen appointed by the Combine to rule over Earth. The Combine are, of course, an alien empire which we are lead to believe has enslaved countless different species, planets, galaxies and even Universes.
Again, either Valve didn't care enough to consider the implications of that or this is the single most efficient military force ever devised. I don't need to remind you how stupidly big space is, at our present state we cannot completely control a single planet. What kind of cold, unsympathetic, logical mind has the mental capacity to organize and weaponize a whole Universe let alone several.
I think the Combine are really under appreciated as enemies. The most we know about them really comes from the bumbling trans-human soldiers we fight throughout the game, when the awful truth is that the Combine is a Lovecraftian cosmic horror, totally inescapable and truly mind-boggling in scope. But it's worse then that, they're bureaucrats. I like the Advisors because as a creature, they're not intimidating looking, pathetic even. They're these huge grubs, they don't have arms, or eyes, or any kind of sensory organs. Sure, in Episode Two they actually "hatch" and can live without their life-support, but it's still terrifying. One, because they seem to be totally invulnerable and two, because they're a stark reminder of what we might become. They come from a highly advanced society, they no longer need their bodies and so they start to wither and become useless. Who's to say we won't become like that when we become more advanced as well? The Advisors are totally dependent of their technology. Technology, and they're horrifying telepathic powers.
4. Martians
Imagine the above, only more squid-like and working on a much smaller scale and you've got the grandparent of every alien ever (At least the good ones). The best part is that the Martians from The War of the Worlds were totally unlike what people at that time thought aliens would be like. When people during Victorian Times thought aliens, they thought handsome Aryan men from another world. What did H.G. Wells suggest? Hideous brain-slugs with tentacles that drank Human blood. Just read this description of them when they first appear: A big greyish rounded bulk, the size, perhaps, of a bear, was rising slowly and painfully out of the cylinder. As it bulged up and caught the light, it glistened like wet leather. Two large dark-coloured eyes were regarding me steadfastly. The mass that framed them, the head of the thing, was rounded, and had, one might say, a face. There was a mouth under the eyes, the lipless brim of which quivered and panted, and dropped saliva. The whole creature heaved and pulsated convulsively. Cash.
It might seem like Wells was just trying to create the most grotesque monster he could, well that's because he was but he also had science backing him up. You see, Wells had a theory that as Mankind became more advanced our bodies would atrophy as our brains grew larger, so much so that eventually we would become little more than brains with hands sticking out of the side.
Aaaaaaaand, that's were the Advisors came from. Posers.
But it's not just the Martians themselves that make them so wonderful, it's that when they take over a planet, they do it in style. Tripods are the DeLoreans of war machines.
3. The Thing
Just look at that. It's the opposite of the last two aliens, it doesn't need high technology, it's only weapon is fear.
Jeez, I remember when I first watched it. I heard all about this wonderful movie about an alien trapped in the Antarctic and I just had to see it. Eventually, I convinced my mother to buy it and watch it with my sister and I. The fact that the DVD case had a picture of what looked like a screaming face trapped in ice was just foreshadowing of what was to come.
The movie built up slowly, thankfully Kurt Russel's beard was there to keep things interesting when suddenly this happened...
...and I was like "YES.".
It just got better. Probably the best part is when a person infected by The Thing dies. His head rips itself from the burning body and falls off the table it was put on. After that, the head sprouts legs and eye-stalks and crawls away. I'd like to think my mother realizes what a horrible, horrible mistake she made in watching this movie.
2. Anything by H.P. Lovecraft
Similar to how the Martians were the precursors to the Combine, Lovecraft and his menagerie of cosmic horrors are responsible for The Thing.
Simply put, Howard created the most weirdly fear inspiring monsters of the early 20th century (and arguably the rest of the 20th century if you don't count a certain mustachioed man from around the 1930's.). If I were to put all his creatures in their own spots it would take up a huge amount of space on this list.
The Great Race of Yith Arguably the least threatening of his creatures, which isn't saying much, the Yithians are a race of telepaths that can hop from one body to another. They inhabited the Earth millions of years ago and built huge libraries underneath modern-day Australia. The Yithians had a war with another species, the Flying Polyps, and has a mass -evacuation. It was at that time they inhabited the bodies of giant primordial cone-shaped mollusks. Even later then that, they turned themselves into beetles.
It gets better.
Mi-Go The Mi-Go are giant fungus-crustaceans from Pluto (which they call Yuggoth). They've come to Earth to mine for rare minerals and steal people's brains. They then take these brains back to Yuggoth. Also, the Mi-Go do not use spaceships, they just up and fly through space as is, in nothing more than their yeasty, crunchy carapace.
Elder Things Like the Yithians, the Elder Things colonized Earth millions of years ago, especially Antarctica. Once there, they built huge cities in the then lush, tropical environment. Over time however, the polar regions began to freeze, but that's not what go rid of the Elder Things, it was what they created here on Earth...
Shoggoths
These protoplasmic blobs were mindless servants to the Elder Things, they were used to create the great basalt cities on the Antarctic. However, the Shoggoths rebelled and wiped their former masters from the Earth.
Just so we're clear here, Shoggoths are blobs that can assume any shape, any size, can produce organs at will and live in the Antarctic.
That's right, The Thing is a Shoggoth.
And number one is...
1. ... No.
No, don't act like you're surprised. You knew this was going to happen just as well as I did. You knew that after all that, after the Prawns, Tholians, Buggers, Pod-People, Grovebacks, Antlions, Brazilians, Vortigaunts, Borg, Pythagorians, Martians, Yithians, Elder Things, Mi-Go, Things and even the entire Universal Union, number one would of course be Dale and his jerk friends. I have no way of explaining why I fell so totally in love with these kitchen utensils. But if I had to guess I would say it was the screeching voice, the utter loathing of anything non-Dalek, the sheer absurdity of their battle-armor. Really, there's nothing not to like about the Daleks. They're at the same time adorable and yet deadly.
Plus, Mother hates them so they'll be around forever.
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