As always, I'm writing back story details for Ramzca's civilization game, specifically the characters from my own civilization, the Empire of Transmyridil. Well here's a character profile I've been meaning to finish for a long while now. Like so many other things I've written lately, this has ballooned out of proportion and probably counts as a a full novelette at this point. So, because I have no self-control, enjoy the biography of a pink octopus monster that's been very near and dear to me lately.
...
The Black Book of Ajez Saala-Abdul speaks darkly of what are variedly called the Old Ones or the Outsiders; godlike beings from outside space and time, the very manifestations of otherness, the alien and the incomprehensible. They do not adhere to physical laws as we understand them, having come from the realms beyond or some other primeval darkness before time. It said that to look upon such things is to gaze into the abyss itself. No one born of our material world could have their eyes opened to such otherness and walk away unscathed. The Black Book tells of those foolish or unfortunate enough to have laid eyes on the true form of an Old One, all of whom have unfailingly perished or have gone mad at the sight of such things. That is the danger of the Ancients; they are so vast, powerful and alien that we as mere mortals cannot perceive them without becoming aware of the true, monstrous nature of reality. No mind can comprehend the Old Ones, not even a glimpse of them.
The Black Book lists many blasphemous names in it's yellowed pages; Xorchlcotyl, Zoth-Morazoth: It Which Waits, Tlhordl, Capatatosh: The Rancid Mother. Some are so horrible that even the merest mention of them spells doom for those who speak their name. There is the Indescribable One, who's name cannot be printed without the page eroding away. There is the Unspeakable: That Which Blots Out The Stars. Among the worst is a force known simply as The Other, which is prophesied to plunge all being into unending elemental darkness.
Then there are some that are altogether less horrible. In the back pages of the annotated third edition of the Black Book, in the appendix on chapter III Saala-Abdul makes mention of some minor or otherwise inconsequential Old Ones, many of whom were not named in the original Tablet of Black Utterances. Among them was Sthoth, Zoz and most importantly to us, Shuth-Meleth.
Shuth-Meleth was said to have entered our world with the alignment of the twin blue stars of Allistus and Obern. On that night, a red comet was observed streaking across the sky above the city of Yg and plunged far out to sea. The waters boiled and it is said that all the milk for several miles went sour and all the eggs of domesticated birds rotted. But beyond that, there were none of the deleterious effects commonly associated with the coming of an Old One. No more is said of Shuth-Meleth in the Black Book, but an account of what happened after it's arrival appeared in The Complete Traveler's Guide to the Southlands by Tholir Stonemason. In chapter VIII while elucidating on the issue of which beaches had the most attractive women, Stonemason retells the story of a curiously shaped ruby that washed to shore and was snatched away by a passing Kaam, a kind of squamous humanoid octopus.
Later, in a chapter devoted to which drinks the author thought were best served in coconut husks, Stonemason continues the story of the ruby. While on a journey to the desert city he encountered the ruby once more while spending the night in a tavern; only this time it appeared as a symbol on a tabard worn by a Vyllnr. The Vyllnr, named Bora Saanak-Rek, claimed to be a member of the Order of the Sleeping God. He went on to describe how his god had fallen out of the sky in the form of a glittering gem and had instructed it's high priest to build a temple in the jungle on the edge of a nearby river. After a night of drunken carousing that would take too long to describe here, Stonemason woke the next day, hung over and laying on the makeshift alter in the temple of the Sleeping God.
It is unclear if what happened next was a genuine religious experience or a hallucination brought about by poorly manufactured mead. But Stonemason claims to have received a vision of Shuth-Meleth:
I had an unbelievable headache the morning after. The bed I was laying on was lumpy and hard and I realized Melindra must have snuck off sometime during the past few hours. Everything looked fuzzy and dark. I started to worry I'd have a repeat of the Monday incident. But as my eyes adjusted I noticed a pair of braziers with unnaturally red fires casting an eerie glow on the small room. I was in a small, circular building, made of piled together stones, with what looked like moss used as cement.
As my eyes were adjusting I could see the room getting darker. A small, slimy looking thing, smaller than a dwarf was standing at the other end of the room. My vision went black. The only thing I could see was a dim red haze. Then, all of a sudden, a shape appeared. At first I thought I was going blind because of bad grog, but something was floating in front of my eyes. Something pink.
As I stared at it I started to see something like a tiny pink octopus. It stared back at me with three beady little eyes. It was ringed by an aura of shimmering green light and it's stubby little tentacles waved in a rhythmic, hypnotic motion.
-Tholir Stonemason, The Complete Traveller's Guide to the Southlands
What's notable about this experience is that the author did not go mad upon seeing an Old One in person, nor did his ears bleed upon hearing it's voice as he goes on to describe:
Suddenly, it spoke to me. It had a soft voice, faint and distant sounding. The glowing pink thing called itself Shuth-Meleth and greeted me and welcomed me to it's temple.
The author continues his interactions with the Sleeping God. For the better part of a day he sits and listens as it tells it's story; Shuth-Meleth appeared when the stars aligned, arriving in the form of a multifaceted gemstone which was the closest thing to it's true form as could appear in our world. When asked where it came from, Shuth-Meleth only vaguely hints at what it calls "a realm of primal darkness". When the stone fell to Myridil and crossed the ocean it reached out to find the mind of a worthy follower. When it finally made it's way to the northern shores of the Southlands what it found was Grrgl.
Stories from that area seem to collaborate with this claim. In the earlier chapter, Tholir mentions others present for the incident when a shiny stone or crystal washed to shore. When a crowd gathered around to inspect the glowing object a Kaam rose out of the water, snatched the gem and fled into the nearby jungle before anyone had a chance to stop it. Tholir went on to describe sightings of a "slimy blue creature with tentacles where it's face should have been" at a later point while traveling in the jungle but dismissed the sightings as alcoholic hallucinations.
What Stonemason didn't know was that Grrgl, the Kaam had taken the stone of Shuth-Meleth up river to a safe hiding place, becoming the first High Priest of the Cult of the Sleeping God. There, Shuth-Meleth started to speak to the Kaam telepathically, allowing it small glimpses into the realm from whence it came. At first, Grrgl responded with sheer horror and was left catatonic for nearly a week. But as time went on, the Kaam started to make cave paintings depicting the terrifying home of Shuth-Meleth and it's arrival into our world. It was at this time that the Cult's visual vocabulary started to develop. It's still possible to find images of rubies and red comets in the jungle, carved into trees or painted in caves.
There has been at least one instance where a large mural depicting Shuth-Meleth was found by explorers. An account of an expedition into Spinebreaker cave described an enormous symbolic scene, rendered in caked mud and paint made from crushed tropical berries;
Day 32,
We found an impressive mural today near the subterranean river. While it looks like something left behind by prehistoric people, it couldn't possibly be older than several weeks as it clearly depicts King Rodriq in several scenes. We're trying to find clues of who made it since we've made camp here. I'm recording a miniature copy for my own study while Saala-Mustafa writes up a summary of what we've found. I'll copy it here:
"Painted on the wall is a well designed image of Dwarves and a large pink octopus by an unknown artist. The Dwarves are bowing before the octopus. The octopus is surrounded by the Dwarves. On the mural is an image of red meteors in bumbleberry paint. On the
mural is an image of a fishman. The fishman is holding up a red gem. The artwork relates to the worship of an unnamed icon in a fortress and the appointment of the fishman to the position of priest of some local cult."
The octopus (or squid) is an interesting feature. It is large and bright pink, with tentacles (eight in total) reaching all over the wall. What's notable is that it seems to be crushing a tower in one arm and flicking a figure off a horse in another. The crown on the figure's head is unmistakably "Rodriqesque". The deity, or sea monster or whatever it is has three eyes, two closed and one open and staring at the viewer. It has a bright red pupil.
Note: Yalric's gangrene is getting worse - consider amputation.
As Tholir recovered from his hangover the eponymous pink octopus continued it's story; after Grrgl's traumatic visions the pair went back to the port city to preach and hopefully gather more followers. They were met with open hostility by the locals who took the Kaam for an insane cultist. Despite insistence that Shuth-Meleth wouldn't be accepting blood sacrifices the pair were forced to leave with only a single Vyllnr to show for their efforts.
This ended up working to their advantage in a small way however, as the Vyllnr was able to bring them back to it's village in the jungle where reception to the Cult was much more favorable. In the weeks following their arrival, Shuth-Meleth made the first real show of it's godly powers. First, it healed the blindness of a young Vyllnr in the village. Then, when a family fell ill because of tropical disease, the Sleeping God whispered into the mind of the local alchemist, telling him what ingredients to gather to make a potion to cure them. As time went by and the Kaam and it's magic gemstone made themselves generally helpful, favor in the Sleeping God grew. After nearly a month in the jungle, the tribe decided to completely devote themselves to Shuth-Meleth. The chieftainess saw it's true form in a vision and declared it the tribe's only god and the only one who would lead them to salvation.
It was this same village that Tholir had drunkenly stumbled into the night before. As the Sleeping God ended it's story the chieftainess came inside to greet the Dwarf. After, she brought him outside to show him the village. Banners carrying the symbol of the red ruby were flying from every mud hut. All around him, Vyllnir were packing up supplies for a long journey into the heart of the jungle. As he stood there, rubbing his tired eyes, the chieftainess announced the tribe's intentions to travel up the river and find the promised land of her visions.
She spoke of a tall mountain peering above the jungle, with a volcano smouldering in the distance. A short one-eyed king stood on the mountain, surveying the untamed wilderness. She told the tribe that this place was to be their new home and in order to find it, they must seek out the man from her visions. Immediately, Tholir suspected she was talking about Agekugog, or Beebane, and the king she spoke of was actually Emperor Urist Thunderbeard. Having no idea what either of those things were, the chieftainess agreed to let Stonemason come with them, as he was headed in that direction anyway.
The tribe set off the next day, swimming upstream as they carried their supplies in waterproof bags. Stonemason was pulled close behind in a small boat. While his original intention for going to the Empire was to sample their local beer and mead he started to hear the whispers of Shuth-Meleth in his mind. As the days dragged on, he started to see strange things in his dreams. Stonemason described seeing "impossibly tall towers" and "writhing tentacles" in a veil of absolute darkness. Throughout the next several chapters he would complain about a pinpoint of red light that always seemed to be in the corner of his vision.
As the Sleeping God's influence in his mind grew, disaster struck. Bandits raided the Vyllnr camp one night as they were resting on the riverbank and stole several bags of supplies, including the gemstone itself. Several members of the tribe died fighting off the bandits. As panic started to grip the survivors Grrgl and Tholir resolved to go searching for the stone themselves, convincing many of the Vyllnr to do the same.
They stumbled through the thick underbrush throughout the night, guided only by the sense of unearthly power drawing them to the stone. Eventually they found the camp as the bandits were sifting through their spoils. The bandit leader was busy arguing with an underling; it was clear to the cultists that they were fighting over ownership of the stone.
Tholnir used this opportunity to silently kill the bandit on watch, allowing Grrgl to usher the Vyllnr into the camp. All at once, they sprung from ambush and attacked. While the bandits were more well armed, the cultists had the element of surprise and managed to kill several of them before anything could be done to stop them. One of the bandits was a sorcerer however and was quickly whittling down their numbers as he roasted the angry cultists with lightning.
Being so short, Grrgl was able to avoid most of the tall bandits' swings. He leapt on top of a table, tossing a candle into a tent which quickly burst into flame. Almost in imitation of that early day on the beach, no one was able to get a grip on him as he rampaged around the camp, searching for the stone. Eventually, he found the leader and threw himself onto his face. Grrgl tried to pull his eyes out with his suction cups as they struggled for the stone. In the heat of the moment the bandit leader pulled out a knife and plunged it deep into the scaly neck of the Kaam.
Overcome by the death of his first, most loyal follower, Shuth-Meleth took revenge against the bandits. Mustering all his godly power, he reached out to the minds of each one, filling them with horrifying visions of the "primal darkness" from whence he came. They all dropped their weapons at once and blanched at the sight of such horrors. As Tholir reached for the stone, the bandits fell to the ground and started gibbering madly. Coming in contact with such alien chaos was too much for them. The brains of the highwaymen started to cook from the inside out, oozing out of their ears as they died.
Grrgl laid dead and the Vyllnr scattered all over the jungle, irrevocably lost due to their awful sense of direction. All that remained was Tholir. He buried Grrgl by the riverbank, making a makeshift headstone with the symbol of the red comet and continued on his way.
For nearly a week he trekked through the jungle. All the while, Shuth-Meleth spoke to him in his mind. The two beings, the lowly dwarf and the Old One consoled each other over the death of the cult. Shuth-Meleth assured him that, while scattered, he could still hear the thoughts of the Vyllnr and was reaching out to them. And while he could still hear the prayers of his followers there was no hope of gathering them back to the river because, again, they had an awful sense of direction. Instead, he told Tholir to "follow the smoke". Tholir did as he was commanded, thinking he was making his way to the lip of the volcano.
Instead what he found were the smouldering ashes of siege equipment and the half-demolished walls of Beebane. Urist was dead. The Empire was still reeling with their war with the neighboring Isolationists. Sankis had been declared interim Empress as she tried to rebuild the fortress. Shuth-Meleth had arrived in the promised land with no followers and no one willing to listen to his message.
Nonetheless, he and Tholir took up residence in the fortress. They were quietly ignored as the Imperials took the remaining Isolationists to trial for war crimes. Tajjini Besaa-Mora, former Arch Minister of Information, was executed for high treason. For the next several months Empress Sankis was kept busy retaking the lost territories of Bistleholm and Thunderbeard's Hallow. The entire Empire was embroiled in the ongoing campaign of executions as well as preparing for the coming Goblin War. The only official who seemed to notice the strange crystal's arrival was Caten Ironfist. As Arch Minister of Magic, she was concerned largely in the manufacture of glowing lightstones and wasn't interested in the politics of running an empire.
Caten wrote a yearly address concerning the state of magic in the Empire. While it largely consisted of records regarding the movements of enchanted items from one office to another, during the year of the Goblin War she made sure to point out that a dark god had taken up residence in Beebane and was quietly gathering followers while the government was otherwise preoccupied:
Shuth-Meleth is some manner of squid-deity worshiped by the spiderfolk living in Beebane. As far as I can tell it practices astral magic, specializing in thaumaturgy with a passive dormant ability to make followers more perceptive of potential danger and solutions to problems. A dormant god from the deep sea, it's conjured form is an oddly shaped ruby.
-Caten Ironfist, Arch Minister of Magic
While neutral in tone, Caten's report contained just enough alarmist language to cast serious doubt on Shuth-Meleth's intentions and cause a panic. The Empire had already had dealings with dark gods in the past. Urist's near-transformation into an elf was still fresh in the minds of the citizens and many feared a repeat of those events.
The Sleeping God had already gathered followers among the Spiderfolk population when he came under serious scrutiny from the Arch Ministry of Magic. He was asked to appear before the Empress as part of a formal inquiry. Holding nothing back, he told the Imperials the plain truth; he was an immensely powerful being from beyond space and time. Coming from a realm of pure terror and chaos, Shuth-Meleth was peeking through a hole in the fabric of reality and sought mortal worshipers in Beebane. As Shuth-Meleth continued it's tale of cosmic horror the Imperial council squirmed in their seats. A sense of dread hung over the whole room as everyone stared into the uneven contours of the crystal. Meanwhile, Empress Sankis slouched in her throne. Her son Biin listened to the story with rapt attention, at once terrified and fascinated by the alien monstrosity.
Despite objections from Caten, the Empress decided that the newly formed Cult of the Awakened God had every right to live in Beebane. Tholir Stonemason and Shuth-Meleth were granted full Imperial citizenship.
Today, Shuth-Meleth's crystal resides in the Temple of the Awakened God in Beebane, attended to by the Spider People who call the fortress home. The temple mirrors the one built in the jungle. A small, dignified place of quiet prayer and study; it is a circular room with a low arching ceiling. On all sides are alcoves leading to small libraries and study rooms. The stone rests on a copper dais in the center of the room and the smokeless red fires burn in their brazers, never needing fuel.
In the foyer leading to the temple is a small stone statue of Grrgl, former high priest and first saint of the cult.
What's interesting about this particular god is that, in spite of being an alien monstrosity from outside space and time, Shuth-Meleth is relatively benign. While it could be blamed for the deaths of it's Vllnir followers, the Sleeping God has never killed something except in self-defense or the defense of it's followers.
The tenants of the Cult of the Awakened God are relatively simple. It forbids murder, theft and other crimes that are frowned upon in the Empire. What's unusual isn't it's safe, pedestrian commandments, but that such safe, pedestrian commandments are coming from an Old One, something that by all rights should be driving it's mortal followers mad or imparting knowledge man was not meant to know. It has been argued that Shuth-Meleth is not an eldritch abomination at all like it's followers have been lead to believe. But instead, it is in fact a much weaker being masquerading as a powerful Old One to impress the mortal population. Others suggest that Shuth-Meleth should represent a paradigm shift in how we view the nature of the Old Ones. Some scholars take the Sleeping God as evidence that mortals can in fact be bestowed with cosmic insight and keep their sanity intact.
Whatever the case maybe, Shuth-Meleth maintains that it itself is a vastly powerful cosmic being from outside space and time and that it's meager influence in the physical world is due to a combination of the lack of belief from it's mortal followers and the stars not "being right enough". Only a small portion of it's power can escape through the pinprick hole in reality that Shuth-Meleth is forcing itself through.
Shuth-Meleth's sacred number is 8. Missionaries of it's cult are expected to wear a black tabard with a red border, with the symbol of the ruby acting as their badge of office. It's followers value knowledge and discovery, believing Shuth came to Myridil to give them the gift of enlightenment. What could perhaps be considered the central belief of this new religion is that, with the devotion of enough followers, Shuth-Meleth will be able to break the bonds of it's stone and physically enter our universe. While it's followers in Beebane are enthusiastic about this so-called Great Arrival, scholars of the Old Ones are not so happy to hear that an eldritch abomination is planning to break into their universe. Shuth-Meleth itself has commented on the situation:
While I would not oppose passing through the Gate into your world I have no plans for making this come to pass myself. And I certainly have no plans to make my presence known here with a calamitous End Time, great devouring or any event that would plunge the world into darkness, elemental or otherwise. If an opportunity for me pass through the gossamer-thin barrier between worlds ever did present itself I certainly would not take it if it involved the blood sacrifice of a living being, virginal or otherwise. So please, no virgin sacrifices. I will not accept them.
-Shuth-Meleth, An Open Letter to the Empire
When asked why hearing it's voice didn't drive mortals to madness or why gazing at it's true form in visions did not instantly kill it's high priests, the god has this to say:
It is a common conceit among your kind that anything that comes from beyond the Veil must be all-knowing or all-powerful. While I admit that I exist beyond your conceptions of time and space and in fact transcend it, I am not the omnipotent alien being you make me out to be. I still appreciate that you worship me as a god, but I am not the sort of god to melt your minds or cast your souls adrift in the limitless expanses of chaos. For this reason, you have nothing to fear.
And to answer that young man's question from earlier; yes, if you worship me I absolutely do lay claim to your soul.
Shuth-Meleth has claimed that it is perfectly happy existing alongside the rest of the Imperial pantheon, making sure to point out that it wasn't looking to take followers away from the Everfire. So for better or for worse, Shuth-Meleth's new temple resides in the lowest layer of Beebane, attended to by High Priest Chkl'thak, a Spiderperson who emigrated to the Empire that same year. While most of it's followers have been Spiderfolk, Shuth-Meleth has a small following among the Llynir population in Beebane and even one or two Dwarves. Worship of the Awakened God isn't especially popular among Humans or Gnolls, but so far no tensions have formed between the various belief systems of the Empire. Our operatives have asked around Beebane, Thunderbeard's Hallow, Bistleholm and throughout the Empire; the reaction seems to be the same. Most citizens are comfortable having the new temple in their capital city. While those who aren't are merely distrustful.
The cult has found Beebane very accommodating to their needs and have been able to assimilate into the local culture rather well. They recently gathered enough funding to have a holy book printed using the press in Beebane. The Eightfold Path is a small one-hundred twenty-eight page volume that easily fits in a coat pocket and mainly concerns itself with the early history of the cult and the philosophy of Shuth-Meleth, as well as prayers, blessings and tacit warnings against dealing with other Old Ones.
When asked how he feels about Shuth-Meleth residing in his fortress, young Emperor Biin Thunderbeard had this to say:
I had tha chance ta speak to the octopus-deity when 'is followers first signed tha deed ta tha land. To tell ye the truth I was a little wary at first, but after speakin' to it I feel like 'e'll make a nice addition ta Imperial culture. Besides, the Spiderfolk seem ta like him an' anything ta make them feel at 'ome is good. After all, that's what me father founded this country on: a people unified by their diversity, not divided by it.
-Emperor Biin Thunderbeard
Due to it's benign policies and positive reception in Transmyridil, our organization have decided to reclassify Shuth-Meleth to a level 6 cosmic entity with ROOK type psychosomatic influence. There is no reason to assume the great Happening will occur because of it's actions, nor will there be any danger of a Helvetica Scenario if it's allowed to expand it's influence. The recommended course of action at this time is continued observation but it is in our professional opinion that it is now safe to redirect vital equipment to other listening posts. No tunneling entanglement activity has been reported and all stellar charts are safely out of alignment. Finally, to address [...] concerns, there is no evidence at this time to suggest Shuth-Meleth is a guise of Xyphochotl.
Next Report:
Udil Bronzebolt: Interdimensional Terrorist or Elaborate Hoax?
Showing posts with label Cthulhu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cthulhu. Show all posts
Friday, November 7, 2014
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Blob Versus A Shoggoth
Yesterday I was watching The Blob on TV and I got to thinking; who would win in a fight? The Blob or a Shoggoth?
On the surface it seems like a pretty even fight. Both are seemingly indestructible, indescribable space-amoebae that few earthly weapons can resist. But what if the two were pitted against each other? Let's take a look at the competitors...
The Blob:
Arriving on Earth in a meteor, the Blob introduces itself by breaking open it's meteoric vessel and painfully attaching itself to an old farmer's hand, inevitably absorbing him. The Blob then goes on a nigh-unstoppable rampage (mostly off-screen), absorbing more and more people until it's large enough to menace a whole movie theater. It's reign of terror comes to a tragic end when it's puny Human enemies discover it's aversion to cold. Gathering all the fire extinguishers they can, they freeze the Blob long enough for the military to banish it to Alaska, where it remains frozen until the sequel.
Besides it's ability to absorb people and grow, the Blob has no outstanding powers. It's offensive capabilities are limited and it doesn't seem particularly intelligent. The Blob is little more then a wild animal in this regard, an exceptionally gelatinous wild animal.
The Shoggoth:
I've mentioned Shoggoths here before, the unspeakable primordial horrors in At The Mountains of Madness by one Mr. Lovecraft. Created by the Elder Things for manual labor, the Shoggoths are mindless protoplasmic blobs of bubbling black goo that can form body parts at whim (just like the Thing, we'll get to that later). From their sticky acidic surface forms hundreds of eyes and tentacles. The whole creature is so obscene and blasphemous that mere Humans go insane just looking at it.
Truly such a cosmic horror is more then a match for a mess of silicone and food coloring...or is it?
Like the Blob, Shoggoths have little intelligence. In At the Mountains of Madness, they endlessly parrot an ancient set of instructions, or possibly an incantation, tekeli-li. Likely left by the Elder Things. But the Shoggoths have no agency of their own, they're completely mindless, much like the Blob. Plus, their ability to form spikey-bladed arms or crushing tentacles means little to the Blob's superior surface tension.
Either way, splitting the Blob in half or smashing it would only make the Shoggoth's job harder, since it would have two or more smaller Blobs to deal with, rendering the Shoggoth's many tentacles, suction cups and other aquatic implements useless. Likewise, the Blob has no way of harming the Shoggoth. The more I think about it, the more it seems like this fight wouldn't really be a fight, more like two gelatinous masses harmlessly trying to engulf each other...or so it would seem.
If they were fighting on the Shoggoth's home turf of the Elder Thing's windowless basalt cities in Antarctica, it would have the obvious home field advantage. The Blob's infamous aversion to cold would doom it as it would quickly freeze in that harsh wilderness. All the Shoggoth would have to do it sit around and wait for it to turn into a giant blob-sicle and declare itself victor.
However, if the fight took place in, say, Valley Forge Pennsylvania, the outcome might be very different. Because the Shoggoth's ability to absorb other lifeforms is never a focus of the stories they appeared in, we can assume that it wouldn't have an spectacular advantage over the Blob in the assimilation department. Plus, the Blob's only stated weakness is cold. It might be able to overcome the Shoggoth's acidic goo and engulf it's enemy in spite of it.
Also, explosions would only help spread the Blob. If someone were to blow it up they would only succeed in blasting thousands and thousands of tiny bloblettes over a huge area, giving them ample opportunity to spread general chaos and terror. This is very different from the Shoggoth. If we take the video game Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth as canon then the Shoggoth actually has a weakness to explosions and can be killed by them outright. I'm not saying our two combatants would have access to explosives, but the point still stands that the Blob is the more physically durable of the two jellies.
In the end, I'm going to have to say that the two are pretty evenly matched. Both are depicted as extremely durable, and while the Blob might win out slightly in that category, the Shoggoth gets bonus points for having no obvious weaknesses and for being the more obviously horrifying of the two. Of course, anything can be scary when it's compared to a ball of bright red silicone. Still, I can't shake the feeling that the Blob would win out in the end. Through sheer tenacity it would manage to absorb the Shoggoth until nothing was left but an oily black stain on the ground. I know this to be true because the Blob has the superior theme song.
Alright, so the Blob won, and receives the entire town of Valley Forge as a prize. But what if it had to fight off the Shoggoth's even more malevolent doppelganger, The Thing?
Well then it would be in serious trouble. The Thing has a malicious intellect the Blob can't hope to match. However, like the Blob, it has serious trouble getting used to colder temperatures, but I don't think that would be a problem because the Thing would have access to sweaters during the fight.
Also, it's never explained exactly what the Blob is made of. If it's not made of cells as we know them the Thing might have trouble assimilating it, but not vice versa. In fact, the Thing might be in the same boat as Steve McQueen from the Blob's debut movie. But then again, it's funny to think of a mass of mismatched alien limbs scrambling to scrounge up fire extinguishers.
The way I see it, it all works like this: the fight between the Shoggoth and the Blob is a brutal fight to the death, with the Blob just barely winning out against it's eldritch nemesis. But in round two, the Thing easily outsmarts the Blob and freezes it, claiming all of North America as it's smorgasbord of biomass to assimilate. Meanwhile, Da Huuuuuuuuuudge would probably be stealing Strong Bad's fondue pot again.
Feel free to continue the debate in the comments. Or not.
On the surface it seems like a pretty even fight. Both are seemingly indestructible, indescribable space-amoebae that few earthly weapons can resist. But what if the two were pitted against each other? Let's take a look at the competitors...
The Blob:
Arriving on Earth in a meteor, the Blob introduces itself by breaking open it's meteoric vessel and painfully attaching itself to an old farmer's hand, inevitably absorbing him. The Blob then goes on a nigh-unstoppable rampage (mostly off-screen), absorbing more and more people until it's large enough to menace a whole movie theater. It's reign of terror comes to a tragic end when it's puny Human enemies discover it's aversion to cold. Gathering all the fire extinguishers they can, they freeze the Blob long enough for the military to banish it to Alaska, where it remains frozen until the sequel.
Besides it's ability to absorb people and grow, the Blob has no outstanding powers. It's offensive capabilities are limited and it doesn't seem particularly intelligent. The Blob is little more then a wild animal in this regard, an exceptionally gelatinous wild animal.
The Shoggoth:
I've mentioned Shoggoths here before, the unspeakable primordial horrors in At The Mountains of Madness by one Mr. Lovecraft. Created by the Elder Things for manual labor, the Shoggoths are mindless protoplasmic blobs of bubbling black goo that can form body parts at whim (just like the Thing, we'll get to that later). From their sticky acidic surface forms hundreds of eyes and tentacles. The whole creature is so obscene and blasphemous that mere Humans go insane just looking at it.
Truly such a cosmic horror is more then a match for a mess of silicone and food coloring...or is it?
Like the Blob, Shoggoths have little intelligence. In At the Mountains of Madness, they endlessly parrot an ancient set of instructions, or possibly an incantation, tekeli-li. Likely left by the Elder Things. But the Shoggoths have no agency of their own, they're completely mindless, much like the Blob. Plus, their ability to form spikey-bladed arms or crushing tentacles means little to the Blob's superior surface tension.
Either way, splitting the Blob in half or smashing it would only make the Shoggoth's job harder, since it would have two or more smaller Blobs to deal with, rendering the Shoggoth's many tentacles, suction cups and other aquatic implements useless. Likewise, the Blob has no way of harming the Shoggoth. The more I think about it, the more it seems like this fight wouldn't really be a fight, more like two gelatinous masses harmlessly trying to engulf each other...or so it would seem.
If they were fighting on the Shoggoth's home turf of the Elder Thing's windowless basalt cities in Antarctica, it would have the obvious home field advantage. The Blob's infamous aversion to cold would doom it as it would quickly freeze in that harsh wilderness. All the Shoggoth would have to do it sit around and wait for it to turn into a giant blob-sicle and declare itself victor.
However, if the fight took place in, say, Valley Forge Pennsylvania, the outcome might be very different. Because the Shoggoth's ability to absorb other lifeforms is never a focus of the stories they appeared in, we can assume that it wouldn't have an spectacular advantage over the Blob in the assimilation department. Plus, the Blob's only stated weakness is cold. It might be able to overcome the Shoggoth's acidic goo and engulf it's enemy in spite of it.
Also, explosions would only help spread the Blob. If someone were to blow it up they would only succeed in blasting thousands and thousands of tiny bloblettes over a huge area, giving them ample opportunity to spread general chaos and terror. This is very different from the Shoggoth. If we take the video game Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth as canon then the Shoggoth actually has a weakness to explosions and can be killed by them outright. I'm not saying our two combatants would have access to explosives, but the point still stands that the Blob is the more physically durable of the two jellies.
In the end, I'm going to have to say that the two are pretty evenly matched. Both are depicted as extremely durable, and while the Blob might win out slightly in that category, the Shoggoth gets bonus points for having no obvious weaknesses and for being the more obviously horrifying of the two. Of course, anything can be scary when it's compared to a ball of bright red silicone. Still, I can't shake the feeling that the Blob would win out in the end. Through sheer tenacity it would manage to absorb the Shoggoth until nothing was left but an oily black stain on the ground. I know this to be true because the Blob has the superior theme song.
Alright, so the Blob won, and receives the entire town of Valley Forge as a prize. But what if it had to fight off the Shoggoth's even more malevolent doppelganger, The Thing?
Well then it would be in serious trouble. The Thing has a malicious intellect the Blob can't hope to match. However, like the Blob, it has serious trouble getting used to colder temperatures, but I don't think that would be a problem because the Thing would have access to sweaters during the fight.
Also, it's never explained exactly what the Blob is made of. If it's not made of cells as we know them the Thing might have trouble assimilating it, but not vice versa. In fact, the Thing might be in the same boat as Steve McQueen from the Blob's debut movie. But then again, it's funny to think of a mass of mismatched alien limbs scrambling to scrounge up fire extinguishers.
The way I see it, it all works like this: the fight between the Shoggoth and the Blob is a brutal fight to the death, with the Blob just barely winning out against it's eldritch nemesis. But in round two, the Thing easily outsmarts the Blob and freezes it, claiming all of North America as it's smorgasbord of biomass to assimilate. Meanwhile, Da Huuuuuuuuuudge would probably be stealing Strong Bad's fondue pot again.
Feel free to continue the debate in the comments. Or not.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Corruption
I have nothing to say about my abusive girlfriend Insomnia because I've had just about enough of looking at her and her staircases for one day. Instead, I want to talk about how I've been sick with a case of the brain fever on this otherwise fine Presidential Weekend.
You see, it all happened last Wednesday night when I started coughing. I dismissed it as an unwelcomed indignity that comes part-in-parcel with my nightly ice cream snack but I kept coughing all throughout the night. On Thursday morning not only was I still coughing but I had developed an oppressiveness on my chest and a dense fogginess of mind. I realized then that I had little time left. I went throughout the day as usual, giving angry speeches in my English class when wholly inappropriate, giving speeches in my Math class (also inappropriate) and giving speeches to my friends because honestly they need some guidance in their lives. All the while I could feel it growing inside me. The Corruption. The tainting of my precious bodily fluids. Throughout the day I could feel myself becoming more "disconnected" with the world around me. I couldn't concentrate and my eyes grew heavy and hot. I felt nauseous and lost all appetite (which really is tragic because my Grandmother made a very nice sandwich Thursday).
By the time the day was over I was dead, slumped over in my chair and totally unable to communicate with my own nerves, let alone the world around me. My mind was swimming through static as I could hear Mark (some dude I know) calling from across the abyss. The whole time, a single word kept running through the rapidly sinking ship of my mind.
Agamemnon...
"I'm going to die." I told Mark over and over. "And you're the executor of my estate!" But I couldn't die, not yet (Insomnia isn't done after all). So somehow I workup the sheer will to stand up and walk when class was over. My head hung limply in front of me as I made my way to the library. I promised one of my misguided friends that I would meet him there to help him plan a videogame he was making or whatever. By that point I couldn't care, I couldn't even understand what was happening. I was running on the last reserves of my strength and before I knew it I was playing a children's card game. He offered to take me home and I politely refused, we parted ways and I was alone in the failing light of the oncoming evening, a ticking time bomb of feverish delusion. I had to make it home, I couldn't collapse in the street. By the time I finally reached my house, I mumbled something I couldn't understand to my Grandmother and collapsed on my bed, not moving for the rest of the night.
Agamemnon lives...
Friday morning, I'm laying in bed with an awful bronchial cough. My head is throbbing, my eyes feel like their going to burst and my brain in swimming without direction, it's ship's wheel long gone. The whole day is spent sheepishly sipping water and laying in bed, I can't even look at the computer screen without waves of nausea washing over me. I don't know if I feel hot or cold but I'm constantly tearing the sheets away, only to pull them back over my head, shivering.
Saturday, I'm totally disabled and barely have enough of an appetite for a cup of yogurt. I can't bring myself to open Hammer and I shun Minecraft, instead I try to glean interesting facts from TVTropes and learn about a really really funny series called Look Around You. I lay in bed mostly and read Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, which doesn't sit too well with me after the dreams I had last night and certainly do not have the patience for Atlas Shrugged.
It was after I watched the "Calcium" episode of Look Around You and decided to go to bed that it started to get weird...
I dreamt that a Mexican drug cartel had kidnapped my sister and it was up to me to rescue her. For reasons I don't remember, the first order of business was getting a steady job and a house. I'm certain I never actually found her or any evidence that the cartel was even real but I do remember lots of car chases through the vibrantly colorful and even psychedelic streets of that nameless Mexican city. Plus, I narrowly avoided getting trapped in an electrified net.
I woke up, drenched in sweat and quite confused. I've had this dream before and even after I'm awake I remember it perfectly (but sadly do not now). I've had dreams like this the last time I had a fever. So I change into fresh evening wear and wait for the next dream.
I'm in the house I grew up in, in the backyard is my old swing set. I'm suddenly in my room, staring at a person who will remain anonymous. Their eyes are red and filled with tears, cardboard boxes full of papers are scattered everywhere in my tiny bedroom. Suddenly, the person pulls out an Uzi and points it at my head. I wake up before they shoot and wipe the cold sweat from my brow.
Today is Sunday, I still feel a little unbalanced when standing but I had some pancakes and a grilled ham sandwich. My vibrancy and dynamic rage have all but restored but still cough loudly and frequently.
In a way, I was looking forward to this. I'm actually a pretty healthy person, I walk to and from school every day and have taken up very light weight lifting but it's been in the back of my mind since the last time it happened: The Fever. It was about three years ago when I last had a fever and, coincidentally, it was the first time I read The King in Yellow (SO cash) and since then, I've wanted to have those same strange, pallid dreams. Those visions of long-extinct sea-life and dead, dry Earth. I've been able to revisit that, and while I would gladly give up the coughing and feeling like I'm-going-to-throw-up-but-won't I wouldn't give up the dreams and out-of-body feeling.
Tomorrow, I will read War of the Worlds as it is my tradition when sick.
You see, it all happened last Wednesday night when I started coughing. I dismissed it as an unwelcomed indignity that comes part-in-parcel with my nightly ice cream snack but I kept coughing all throughout the night. On Thursday morning not only was I still coughing but I had developed an oppressiveness on my chest and a dense fogginess of mind. I realized then that I had little time left. I went throughout the day as usual, giving angry speeches in my English class when wholly inappropriate, giving speeches in my Math class (also inappropriate) and giving speeches to my friends because honestly they need some guidance in their lives. All the while I could feel it growing inside me. The Corruption. The tainting of my precious bodily fluids. Throughout the day I could feel myself becoming more "disconnected" with the world around me. I couldn't concentrate and my eyes grew heavy and hot. I felt nauseous and lost all appetite (which really is tragic because my Grandmother made a very nice sandwich Thursday).
By the time the day was over I was dead, slumped over in my chair and totally unable to communicate with my own nerves, let alone the world around me. My mind was swimming through static as I could hear Mark (some dude I know) calling from across the abyss. The whole time, a single word kept running through the rapidly sinking ship of my mind.
Agamemnon...
"I'm going to die." I told Mark over and over. "And you're the executor of my estate!" But I couldn't die, not yet (Insomnia isn't done after all). So somehow I workup the sheer will to stand up and walk when class was over. My head hung limply in front of me as I made my way to the library. I promised one of my misguided friends that I would meet him there to help him plan a videogame he was making or whatever. By that point I couldn't care, I couldn't even understand what was happening. I was running on the last reserves of my strength and before I knew it I was playing a children's card game. He offered to take me home and I politely refused, we parted ways and I was alone in the failing light of the oncoming evening, a ticking time bomb of feverish delusion. I had to make it home, I couldn't collapse in the street. By the time I finally reached my house, I mumbled something I couldn't understand to my Grandmother and collapsed on my bed, not moving for the rest of the night.
Agamemnon lives...
Friday morning, I'm laying in bed with an awful bronchial cough. My head is throbbing, my eyes feel like their going to burst and my brain in swimming without direction, it's ship's wheel long gone. The whole day is spent sheepishly sipping water and laying in bed, I can't even look at the computer screen without waves of nausea washing over me. I don't know if I feel hot or cold but I'm constantly tearing the sheets away, only to pull them back over my head, shivering.
Saturday, I'm totally disabled and barely have enough of an appetite for a cup of yogurt. I can't bring myself to open Hammer and I shun Minecraft, instead I try to glean interesting facts from TVTropes and learn about a really really funny series called Look Around You. I lay in bed mostly and read Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, which doesn't sit too well with me after the dreams I had last night and certainly do not have the patience for Atlas Shrugged.
It was after I watched the "Calcium" episode of Look Around You and decided to go to bed that it started to get weird...
I dreamt that a Mexican drug cartel had kidnapped my sister and it was up to me to rescue her. For reasons I don't remember, the first order of business was getting a steady job and a house. I'm certain I never actually found her or any evidence that the cartel was even real but I do remember lots of car chases through the vibrantly colorful and even psychedelic streets of that nameless Mexican city. Plus, I narrowly avoided getting trapped in an electrified net.
I woke up, drenched in sweat and quite confused. I've had this dream before and even after I'm awake I remember it perfectly (but sadly do not now). I've had dreams like this the last time I had a fever. So I change into fresh evening wear and wait for the next dream.
I'm in the house I grew up in, in the backyard is my old swing set. I'm suddenly in my room, staring at a person who will remain anonymous. Their eyes are red and filled with tears, cardboard boxes full of papers are scattered everywhere in my tiny bedroom. Suddenly, the person pulls out an Uzi and points it at my head. I wake up before they shoot and wipe the cold sweat from my brow.
Today is Sunday, I still feel a little unbalanced when standing but I had some pancakes and a grilled ham sandwich. My vibrancy and dynamic rage have all but restored but still cough loudly and frequently.
In a way, I was looking forward to this. I'm actually a pretty healthy person, I walk to and from school every day and have taken up very light weight lifting but it's been in the back of my mind since the last time it happened: The Fever. It was about three years ago when I last had a fever and, coincidentally, it was the first time I read The King in Yellow (SO cash) and since then, I've wanted to have those same strange, pallid dreams. Those visions of long-extinct sea-life and dead, dry Earth. I've been able to revisit that, and while I would gladly give up the coughing and feeling like I'm-going-to-throw-up-but-won't I wouldn't give up the dreams and out-of-body feeling.
Tomorrow, I will read War of the Worlds as it is my tradition when sick.
Friday, October 15, 2010
My Favorite Aliens Part Three
That's right, the final chapter in this journey across space. Granted, this wasn't finished yesterday like I hoped. But that's simply because it's been proven that there is less time during the week and therefore it is impossible to get anything done after I get home.
ANYWHO!
5. Advisors
I promise you, this is the last we'll be hearing from Half-Life!
Geez, these things. I think it would be very upsetting to see one of these in real life. Imagine if you will a giant cybernetic slug that can crush you with it's mind. Sure, Vulcans can mind-meld but Advisors can, and have, twisted people like licorice and thrown them across a building.
Now, for anyone unfamiliar, the Advisors are like bureaucratic middlemen appointed by the Combine to rule over Earth. The Combine are, of course, an alien empire which we are lead to believe has enslaved countless different species, planets, galaxies and even Universes.
Again, either Valve didn't care enough to consider the implications of that or this is the single most efficient military force ever devised. I don't need to remind you how stupidly big space is, at our present state we cannot completely control a single planet. What kind of cold, unsympathetic, logical mind has the mental capacity to organize and weaponize a whole Universe let alone several.
I think the Combine are really under appreciated as enemies. The most we know about them really comes from the bumbling trans-human soldiers we fight throughout the game, when the awful truth is that the Combine is a Lovecraftian cosmic horror, totally inescapable and truly mind-boggling in scope. But it's worse then that, they're bureaucrats.
I like the Advisors because as a creature, they're not intimidating looking, pathetic even. They're these huge grubs, they don't have arms, or eyes, or any kind of sensory organs. Sure, in Episode Two they actually "hatch" and can live without their life-support, but it's still terrifying. One, because they seem to be totally invulnerable and two, because they're a stark reminder of what we might become. They come from a highly advanced society, they no longer need their bodies and so they start to wither and become useless. Who's to say we won't become like that when we become more advanced as well? The Advisors are totally dependent of their technology. Technology, and they're horrifying telepathic powers.
4. Martians
Imagine the above, only more squid-like and working on a much smaller scale and you've got the grandparent of every alien ever (At least the good ones). The best part is that the Martians from The War of the Worlds were totally unlike what people at that time thought aliens would be like. When people during Victorian Times thought aliens, they thought handsome Aryan men from another world. What did H.G. Wells suggest? Hideous brain-slugs with tentacles that drank Human blood. Just read this description of them when they first appear:
A big greyish rounded bulk, the size, perhaps, of a bear, was rising slowly and painfully out of the cylinder. As it bulged up and caught the light, it glistened like wet leather. Two large dark-coloured eyes were regarding me steadfastly. The mass that framed them, the head of the thing, was rounded, and had, one might say, a face. There was a mouth under the eyes, the lipless brim of which quivered and panted, and dropped saliva. The whole creature heaved and pulsated convulsively.
Cash.
It might seem like Wells was just trying to create the most grotesque monster he could, well that's because he was but he also had science backing him up. You see, Wells had a theory that as Mankind became more advanced our bodies would atrophy as our brains grew larger, so much so that eventually we would become little more than brains with hands sticking out of the side.
Aaaaaaaand, that's were the Advisors came from. Posers.
But it's not just the Martians themselves that make them so wonderful, it's that when they take over a planet, they do it in style.
Tripods are the DeLoreans of war machines.
3. The Thing
Just look at that. It's the opposite of the last two aliens, it doesn't need high technology, it's only weapon is fear.
Jeez, I remember when I first watched it. I heard all about this wonderful movie about an alien trapped in the Antarctic and I just had to see it. Eventually, I convinced my mother to buy it and watch it with my sister and I. The fact that the DVD case had a picture of what looked like a screaming face trapped in ice was just foreshadowing of what was to come.
The movie built up slowly, thankfully Kurt Russel's beard was there to keep things interesting when suddenly this happened...
...and I was like "YES.".
It just got better. Probably the best part is when a person infected by The Thing dies. His head rips itself from the burning body and falls off the table it was put on. After that, the head sprouts legs and eye-stalks and crawls away.
I'd like to think my mother realizes what a horrible, horrible mistake she made in watching this movie.
2. Anything by H.P. Lovecraft
Similar to how the Martians were the precursors to the Combine, Lovecraft and his menagerie of cosmic horrors are responsible for The Thing.
Simply put, Howard created the most weirdly fear inspiring monsters of the early 20th century (and arguably the rest of the 20th century if you don't count a certain mustachioed man from around the 1930's.). If I were to put all his creatures in their own spots it would take up a huge amount of space on this list.
The Great Race of Yith
Arguably the least threatening of his creatures, which isn't saying much, the Yithians are a race of telepaths that can hop from one body to another. They inhabited the Earth millions of years ago and built huge libraries underneath modern-day Australia. The Yithians had a war with another species, the Flying Polyps, and has a mass -evacuation. It was at that time they inhabited the bodies of giant primordial cone-shaped mollusks. Even later then that, they turned themselves into beetles.
It gets better.
Mi-Go
The Mi-Go are giant fungus-crustaceans from Pluto (which they call Yuggoth). They've come to Earth to mine for rare minerals and steal people's brains. They then take these brains back to Yuggoth. Also, the Mi-Go do not use spaceships, they just up and fly through space as is, in nothing more than their yeasty, crunchy carapace.
Elder Things
Like the Yithians, the Elder Things colonized Earth millions of years ago, especially Antarctica. Once there, they built huge cities in the then lush, tropical environment. Over time however, the polar regions began to freeze, but that's not what go rid of the Elder Things, it was what they created here on Earth...
Shoggoths
These protoplasmic blobs were mindless servants to the Elder Things, they were used to create the great basalt cities on the Antarctic. However, the Shoggoths rebelled and wiped their former masters from the Earth.
Just so we're clear here, Shoggoths are blobs that can assume any shape, any size, can produce organs at will and live in the Antarctic.
That's right, The Thing is a Shoggoth.
And number one is...
1. ...
No.
No, don't act like you're surprised. You knew this was going to happen just as well as I did. You knew that after all that, after the Prawns, Tholians, Buggers, Pod-People, Grovebacks, Antlions, Brazilians, Vortigaunts, Borg, Pythagorians, Martians, Yithians, Elder Things, Mi-Go, Things and even the entire Universal Union, number one would of course be Dale and his jerk friends.
I have no way of explaining why I fell so totally in love with these kitchen utensils. But if I had to guess I would say it was the screeching voice, the utter loathing of anything non-Dalek, the sheer absurdity of their battle-armor. Really, there's nothing not to like about the Daleks. They're at the same time adorable and yet deadly.
Plus, Mother hates them so they'll be around forever.
ANYWHO!
5. Advisors
I promise you, this is the last we'll be hearing from Half-Life!
Geez, these things. I think it would be very upsetting to see one of these in real life. Imagine if you will a giant cybernetic slug that can crush you with it's mind. Sure, Vulcans can mind-meld but Advisors can, and have, twisted people like licorice and thrown them across a building.
Now, for anyone unfamiliar, the Advisors are like bureaucratic middlemen appointed by the Combine to rule over Earth. The Combine are, of course, an alien empire which we are lead to believe has enslaved countless different species, planets, galaxies and even Universes.
Again, either Valve didn't care enough to consider the implications of that or this is the single most efficient military force ever devised. I don't need to remind you how stupidly big space is, at our present state we cannot completely control a single planet. What kind of cold, unsympathetic, logical mind has the mental capacity to organize and weaponize a whole Universe let alone several.
I think the Combine are really under appreciated as enemies. The most we know about them really comes from the bumbling trans-human soldiers we fight throughout the game, when the awful truth is that the Combine is a Lovecraftian cosmic horror, totally inescapable and truly mind-boggling in scope. But it's worse then that, they're bureaucrats.
I like the Advisors because as a creature, they're not intimidating looking, pathetic even. They're these huge grubs, they don't have arms, or eyes, or any kind of sensory organs. Sure, in Episode Two they actually "hatch" and can live without their life-support, but it's still terrifying. One, because they seem to be totally invulnerable and two, because they're a stark reminder of what we might become. They come from a highly advanced society, they no longer need their bodies and so they start to wither and become useless. Who's to say we won't become like that when we become more advanced as well? The Advisors are totally dependent of their technology. Technology, and they're horrifying telepathic powers.
4. Martians
Imagine the above, only more squid-like and working on a much smaller scale and you've got the grandparent of every alien ever (At least the good ones). The best part is that the Martians from The War of the Worlds were totally unlike what people at that time thought aliens would be like. When people during Victorian Times thought aliens, they thought handsome Aryan men from another world. What did H.G. Wells suggest? Hideous brain-slugs with tentacles that drank Human blood. Just read this description of them when they first appear:
A big greyish rounded bulk, the size, perhaps, of a bear, was rising slowly and painfully out of the cylinder. As it bulged up and caught the light, it glistened like wet leather. Two large dark-coloured eyes were regarding me steadfastly. The mass that framed them, the head of the thing, was rounded, and had, one might say, a face. There was a mouth under the eyes, the lipless brim of which quivered and panted, and dropped saliva. The whole creature heaved and pulsated convulsively.
Cash.
It might seem like Wells was just trying to create the most grotesque monster he could, well that's because he was but he also had science backing him up. You see, Wells had a theory that as Mankind became more advanced our bodies would atrophy as our brains grew larger, so much so that eventually we would become little more than brains with hands sticking out of the side.
Aaaaaaaand, that's were the Advisors came from. Posers.
But it's not just the Martians themselves that make them so wonderful, it's that when they take over a planet, they do it in style.
Tripods are the DeLoreans of war machines.
3. The Thing
Just look at that. It's the opposite of the last two aliens, it doesn't need high technology, it's only weapon is fear.
Jeez, I remember when I first watched it. I heard all about this wonderful movie about an alien trapped in the Antarctic and I just had to see it. Eventually, I convinced my mother to buy it and watch it with my sister and I. The fact that the DVD case had a picture of what looked like a screaming face trapped in ice was just foreshadowing of what was to come.
The movie built up slowly, thankfully Kurt Russel's beard was there to keep things interesting when suddenly this happened...
...and I was like "YES.".
It just got better. Probably the best part is when a person infected by The Thing dies. His head rips itself from the burning body and falls off the table it was put on. After that, the head sprouts legs and eye-stalks and crawls away.
I'd like to think my mother realizes what a horrible, horrible mistake she made in watching this movie.
2. Anything by H.P. Lovecraft
Similar to how the Martians were the precursors to the Combine, Lovecraft and his menagerie of cosmic horrors are responsible for The Thing.
Simply put, Howard created the most weirdly fear inspiring monsters of the early 20th century (and arguably the rest of the 20th century if you don't count a certain mustachioed man from around the 1930's.). If I were to put all his creatures in their own spots it would take up a huge amount of space on this list.
The Great Race of Yith
Arguably the least threatening of his creatures, which isn't saying much, the Yithians are a race of telepaths that can hop from one body to another. They inhabited the Earth millions of years ago and built huge libraries underneath modern-day Australia. The Yithians had a war with another species, the Flying Polyps, and has a mass -evacuation. It was at that time they inhabited the bodies of giant primordial cone-shaped mollusks. Even later then that, they turned themselves into beetles.
It gets better.
Mi-Go
The Mi-Go are giant fungus-crustaceans from Pluto (which they call Yuggoth). They've come to Earth to mine for rare minerals and steal people's brains. They then take these brains back to Yuggoth. Also, the Mi-Go do not use spaceships, they just up and fly through space as is, in nothing more than their yeasty, crunchy carapace.
Elder Things
Like the Yithians, the Elder Things colonized Earth millions of years ago, especially Antarctica. Once there, they built huge cities in the then lush, tropical environment. Over time however, the polar regions began to freeze, but that's not what go rid of the Elder Things, it was what they created here on Earth...
Shoggoths
These protoplasmic blobs were mindless servants to the Elder Things, they were used to create the great basalt cities on the Antarctic. However, the Shoggoths rebelled and wiped their former masters from the Earth.
Just so we're clear here, Shoggoths are blobs that can assume any shape, any size, can produce organs at will and live in the Antarctic.
That's right, The Thing is a Shoggoth.
And number one is...
1. ...
No.
No, don't act like you're surprised. You knew this was going to happen just as well as I did. You knew that after all that, after the Prawns, Tholians, Buggers, Pod-People, Grovebacks, Antlions, Brazilians, Vortigaunts, Borg, Pythagorians, Martians, Yithians, Elder Things, Mi-Go, Things and even the entire Universal Union, number one would of course be Dale and his jerk friends.
I have no way of explaining why I fell so totally in love with these kitchen utensils. But if I had to guess I would say it was the screeching voice, the utter loathing of anything non-Dalek, the sheer absurdity of their battle-armor. Really, there's nothing not to like about the Daleks. They're at the same time adorable and yet deadly.
Plus, Mother hates them so they'll be around forever.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My Favorite Aliens Part Two
Another day, another opportunity to babble incoherently about creatures not of this Earth. So let's jump right in with...
10. Antlions
I make no secret of the fact that Half-Life is so deeply ingrained into my mind that my thoughts actually reflect it, so much so in fact that I actually see ghostly little heads-up displays in the corner of my vision and five tiny dots in the center of my pupils, it's helpful when I need to shoot actual guns as well.
Antlions are really dandy, I remember the first time I saw them. It was ten years ago when Half-Life 2 was still a brand new experience to me. The first time the player sees them is when they're in a car that is slowly being lowered down to a beach by a magnetic crane. The crane fails, drops the car and the player is immediately swarmed by giant inter-dimensional insects.
In Episode 2 we finally get to see inside an Antlion hive and this is the first time that I was really fascinated by them. It was here that we first saw the Worker Antlion and the larvae that they protect.
I think the best part about Antlions is that they're a total mish-mash of all kinds of arthropods. First of all, they're like real-life Antlions in that they burrow underneath sand only to come up to tear something to ribbons, they're like spiders in that they spin webs around their hive but they also make giant honeycombs like bees. But then again they have huge egg sacks like spiders (that quiver when you shoot them). On the other hand it's mentioned they have some kind of "spawning season", very much unlike bees or ants. They don't seem to have a queen Antlion yet they have other clearly defined castes. Plus, they produce some sort of magic "extract" so we might as well assume they produce honey as well.
It becomes apparent that the Antlion life cycle makes no sense. Like a lot of other things in these games it seems like Valve was either really lazy and just threw everything they knew about arthropods into one creature or this was all meticulously planned.
9. Paciencia UFO Sighting Aliens
I have very particular tastes, I demand my creatures to be bizarre. Well there's few things that are as bizarre as UFO Sightings.
Our story begins with Antonio La Rubia, a 33-year-old bus driver who encountered a huge object, which he estimated to be 70 meters (235 feet) across, sitting in a field near his home. He decided to retreat, but was unable to do so, for at the moment he started to run, an intensely bright light lit up the area, and he was unable to move. At that moment Antonio saw three "robots" positioned near him, and he was captured and taken into the disc.
And what did these robots look like?
That's right. These.
The first time I saw these terrors was in my Elementary School's library. I drew them all the time when I was seven but eventually forgot about them. A couple years later they were suddenly shoved back into my life in yet another book about abductions and once again I totally forgot about them after awhile.
A few years after that I suddenly remembered them again. "Golly!" I thought "What were those weird football-shaped aliens with the funny helmets called?"
Well, turns out they were the mysterious beings who, on September 15, 1977, abducted an unassuming man from Paciencia (near Rio de Janeiro), Brazil to show him their inter-galactic keyboard.
8. Vortigaunts
I'll be honest with you, this isn't the last time we'll be hearing from Half-Life. It isn't a bad thing I suppose that so many great aliens could com from a a single franchise (I didn't include any Xen wildlife besides the Antlions lest this become the list of my fifteen favorite things I like about just one video game.)
The Vortigaunts. They're a hive-mind, they shoot lightning out of their hands and they've got giant red eyes. I've always sort of identified giant eyes with being from another dimension, they just go hand-in-hand for me. Assuming Valve ever makes another Half-Life series (which they won't) I would like to play as a Vortigaunt. Plus, Sweepy is a Vortigaunt and Sweepy is cool.
The only problem I have with them is that they're a bit too humanoid. Granted, they've got three arms which is cash, but they still sort of look like hunched over people.
Maybe if they abducted someone from Brazil they'd be higher up on this list.
7. The Borg
When you get right down to it, the Borg are like a virus. They assimilate, consume and if you were to fight them, any casualty your side takes just helps to make them stronger. Plus, they're basically robot space-zombies.
I don't care if Cybermen came first, the Borg are cooler. Did Cybermen ever give me nightmares when I was a toddler? NO. Did the Borg? YES. Did the image of a disembodied Cyberman head getting attached to a body, spinal cord and all get burnt into my memory and silently terrify me until I was twelve? NO. Did the Borg? YES!
6. The Pythagorians
Antlions are weird, the Brazilian-Abductors are weirder, and the Borg still haunt me in my nightmares. But I think the award for most mysterious enemies on this list go to the Pythagorians.
That big machine in the above picture? That's what they look like. They don't speak, they don't emote and the particulars of their society are only ever hinted at vaguely, at best. Now, I'm not even entirely sure what these are even called, I just call them Pythagorians because they're from the (again) Half-Life 2 mod Mistake of Pythagoras. In the mod, the Pythags are from an alternate reality and invade Earth for reasons that are never hinted at. The player must correct some "mistake".
They're so great because I can't tell whether they're even alive or not. They're just big floating machines. Yet, this somehow makes them more endearing, it lets the player come up with their own interpretation of them.
After playing MOP a couple times I've built up a little theory as to what exactly happened: teleportation experiments caused some disaster in their dimension, creating another faction of black (or in the above picture, dark brown) Pythags that started a war with the white ones. Later in the mod the white ones, who are losing the war, help the player.
At the end the player makes it back to Earth, everything is all well after the "mistake", somehow related to the Pythagorean Theorem, is fixed. When suddenly, a single white Pythagorian shows up. At this point the player is well aware, or at least they should be, that the white ones are there to help, but the other characters don't. This white Pythag, apparently the leader, was the one who helped the player and enabled them to finish the game and when the player has returned the favor and essentially saved their "species" he goes to thank them in their own universe.
What happens? It gets mistaken for the enemy and is killed.
Now, I have no shame in telling you that when I saw this I was devastated and the ending cutscene didn't help. We see the very same army that killed it attending a funeral for the King Pythag. I teared up. I tear up thinking about it even now. Just the thought of the giant triangular head-piece, propped up on a metal stand, surrounded by flowers as soldiers watch and wonder what they did as a single piano softly plays as the screen turns black makes me overcome with emotions that scare and confuse me.
In hindsight, these should be higher up on the list. If inanimate shapes from an obscure mod for a ten year old video game can move me to tears when nothing, literally nothing else in life will that really says something about how great of characters they are, or how insane I am.
I don't know what it says about me as a person that I feel more emotion for a triangle than most people but there will always be a strange, soft spot in my heart and brain for these nameless, featureless beings.
(Unlike the Borg.)
10. Antlions
I make no secret of the fact that Half-Life is so deeply ingrained into my mind that my thoughts actually reflect it, so much so in fact that I actually see ghostly little heads-up displays in the corner of my vision and five tiny dots in the center of my pupils, it's helpful when I need to shoot actual guns as well.
Antlions are really dandy, I remember the first time I saw them. It was ten years ago when Half-Life 2 was still a brand new experience to me. The first time the player sees them is when they're in a car that is slowly being lowered down to a beach by a magnetic crane. The crane fails, drops the car and the player is immediately swarmed by giant inter-dimensional insects.
In Episode 2 we finally get to see inside an Antlion hive and this is the first time that I was really fascinated by them. It was here that we first saw the Worker Antlion and the larvae that they protect.
I think the best part about Antlions is that they're a total mish-mash of all kinds of arthropods. First of all, they're like real-life Antlions in that they burrow underneath sand only to come up to tear something to ribbons, they're like spiders in that they spin webs around their hive but they also make giant honeycombs like bees. But then again they have huge egg sacks like spiders (that quiver when you shoot them). On the other hand it's mentioned they have some kind of "spawning season", very much unlike bees or ants. They don't seem to have a queen Antlion yet they have other clearly defined castes. Plus, they produce some sort of magic "extract" so we might as well assume they produce honey as well.
It becomes apparent that the Antlion life cycle makes no sense. Like a lot of other things in these games it seems like Valve was either really lazy and just threw everything they knew about arthropods into one creature or this was all meticulously planned.
9. Paciencia UFO Sighting Aliens
I have very particular tastes, I demand my creatures to be bizarre. Well there's few things that are as bizarre as UFO Sightings.
Our story begins with Antonio La Rubia, a 33-year-old bus driver who encountered a huge object, which he estimated to be 70 meters (235 feet) across, sitting in a field near his home. He decided to retreat, but was unable to do so, for at the moment he started to run, an intensely bright light lit up the area, and he was unable to move. At that moment Antonio saw three "robots" positioned near him, and he was captured and taken into the disc.
And what did these robots look like?
That's right. These.
The first time I saw these terrors was in my Elementary School's library. I drew them all the time when I was seven but eventually forgot about them. A couple years later they were suddenly shoved back into my life in yet another book about abductions and once again I totally forgot about them after awhile.
A few years after that I suddenly remembered them again. "Golly!" I thought "What were those weird football-shaped aliens with the funny helmets called?"
Well, turns out they were the mysterious beings who, on September 15, 1977, abducted an unassuming man from Paciencia (near Rio de Janeiro), Brazil to show him their inter-galactic keyboard.
8. Vortigaunts
I'll be honest with you, this isn't the last time we'll be hearing from Half-Life. It isn't a bad thing I suppose that so many great aliens could com from a a single franchise (I didn't include any Xen wildlife besides the Antlions lest this become the list of my fifteen favorite things I like about just one video game.)
The Vortigaunts. They're a hive-mind, they shoot lightning out of their hands and they've got giant red eyes. I've always sort of identified giant eyes with being from another dimension, they just go hand-in-hand for me. Assuming Valve ever makes another Half-Life series (which they won't) I would like to play as a Vortigaunt. Plus, Sweepy is a Vortigaunt and Sweepy is cool.
The only problem I have with them is that they're a bit too humanoid. Granted, they've got three arms which is cash, but they still sort of look like hunched over people.
Maybe if they abducted someone from Brazil they'd be higher up on this list.
7. The Borg
When you get right down to it, the Borg are like a virus. They assimilate, consume and if you were to fight them, any casualty your side takes just helps to make them stronger. Plus, they're basically robot space-zombies.
I don't care if Cybermen came first, the Borg are cooler. Did Cybermen ever give me nightmares when I was a toddler? NO. Did the Borg? YES. Did the image of a disembodied Cyberman head getting attached to a body, spinal cord and all get burnt into my memory and silently terrify me until I was twelve? NO. Did the Borg? YES!
6. The Pythagorians
Antlions are weird, the Brazilian-Abductors are weirder, and the Borg still haunt me in my nightmares. But I think the award for most mysterious enemies on this list go to the Pythagorians.
That big machine in the above picture? That's what they look like. They don't speak, they don't emote and the particulars of their society are only ever hinted at vaguely, at best. Now, I'm not even entirely sure what these are even called, I just call them Pythagorians because they're from the (again) Half-Life 2 mod Mistake of Pythagoras. In the mod, the Pythags are from an alternate reality and invade Earth for reasons that are never hinted at. The player must correct some "mistake".
They're so great because I can't tell whether they're even alive or not. They're just big floating machines. Yet, this somehow makes them more endearing, it lets the player come up with their own interpretation of them.
After playing MOP a couple times I've built up a little theory as to what exactly happened: teleportation experiments caused some disaster in their dimension, creating another faction of black (or in the above picture, dark brown) Pythags that started a war with the white ones. Later in the mod the white ones, who are losing the war, help the player.
At the end the player makes it back to Earth, everything is all well after the "mistake", somehow related to the Pythagorean Theorem, is fixed. When suddenly, a single white Pythagorian shows up. At this point the player is well aware, or at least they should be, that the white ones are there to help, but the other characters don't. This white Pythag, apparently the leader, was the one who helped the player and enabled them to finish the game and when the player has returned the favor and essentially saved their "species" he goes to thank them in their own universe.
What happens? It gets mistaken for the enemy and is killed.
Now, I have no shame in telling you that when I saw this I was devastated and the ending cutscene didn't help. We see the very same army that killed it attending a funeral for the King Pythag. I teared up. I tear up thinking about it even now. Just the thought of the giant triangular head-piece, propped up on a metal stand, surrounded by flowers as soldiers watch and wonder what they did as a single piano softly plays as the screen turns black makes me overcome with emotions that scare and confuse me.
In hindsight, these should be higher up on the list. If inanimate shapes from an obscure mod for a ten year old video game can move me to tears when nothing, literally nothing else in life will that really says something about how great of characters they are, or how insane I am.
I don't know what it says about me as a person that I feel more emotion for a triangle than most people but there will always be a strange, soft spot in my heart and brain for these nameless, featureless beings.
(Unlike the Borg.)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My Favorite Aliens Part One
I love aliens. I think about them all the time, I draw them all the time and I imagine the people I'm talking to are aliens all the time. So I think it's long overdue that I tell you all about my fifteen favorite aliens of all time.
15. Prawns
Ah yes, these guys. You know, when I first heard about District 9 I thought "Apartheid with aliens? That's a stupid idea!" but very quickly I was convinced otherwise and a large reason why was because of the aliens, insensitively called Prawns by the Human characters. They're big nasty bugs with face tentacles, making them look like a certain Great Old One.
Plus they subvert the all-too-common trope of all-powerful alien invaders. Yes they have superior technology, yes they have a giant spaceship looming over South Africa and of course they have irresistible weapons, but they're powerless here on Earth for reasons I can't remember being explored and I think that's wonderful.
Plus, any movie that can make me tear up when the aliens die is a good movie.
14. Tholians
Ah yes, Star Trek. As I'm told, when I was a tiny baby in the 90's I would run towards the T.V. every time I heard the opening to The Next Generation and I would occasionally take my uncle's model of the U.S.S. Voyager and run around the house with it. Yes, I was an adorable child.
Recently, I've been watching episodes of the Original Series. My favorites being The Doomsday Machine and The Trouble With Tribbles. But another episode stands out to me for it's creatures: The Tholian Web.
The unfortunate part is that the Tholians themselves only appear onscreen for a couple seconds and they don't actually leave that much impact. Yeah, they have a cool voice and they look like they're made of crystals but that's all you see of them.
Flash forward a few weeks when reruns of Enterprise are on. I was intrigued as it was a Mirror Universe episode which are, with no exception, always good. Too my surprise it had Tholians in it and it was a sequel to the only other episode with them in it.
13. Buggers
Idontknow is always recommending terrible things to me, like browser-games and books, one day in particular he told me to read something called Ender's Game. And he kept telling me. And kept telling me. Eventually, out of politeness I finally bought the book.
I read it all in about three days. There's plenty of things to like about it, foremost is that the author predicted the invention of the Internet long before computers were commonplace. But even better then that are the resident aliens: The Buggers. Now, no description is really given for what the Buggers look like except that they're insect-like so I just assume they're typical bloopity-bloop aliens, which is fine with me. Also, as far as I know, they're the earliest instance of a hive-mind species. You'll notice later on in this list that I like hive-minds.
12. Body-Snatchers
I love a good 50's Sci-Fi movie and Invasion of the Body-Snatchers is one of the seminal works of that era. Like hive-minds, the concept of a creature assimilating or replacing a person is just plain appealing to me. So of course, the Body Snatchers are on this list. Sadly, I haven't gotten to see the 50's version yet, only the new one from 2007 version and the one with Lenard Nimoy and Jeff Goldbloom which I think is the superior version simply for having those two in the same movie.
Even better is that they were a pretty obvious metaphor for Communism. But they're better than just your garden variety Communism, they're sentient vegetables that will kill and replace you.
Just look at him.
11. Anything from Darwin IV
Back in the 90's there was a guy named Wayne Barlowe who one day he asked himself "Am I a bad enough dude to design an entire extra-terrestrial ecosystem?". Turns out he was and Expedition was published. This is the story of three artificially-intelligent probes which are sent to the planet Darwin IV to investigate the strange creatures living there.
Like the Groveback...
...Bladderhorn...
and this weird looking thing, the Daggerwrist.
I haven't found a copy of this book yet but I want one so badly. If you happen to see a copy at a garage sale of used book-store I seriously recommend getting it for the pictures alone. Especially considering that none of them have eyes and they're all bioluminecent. Is Spock bioluminescent? NO.
Well that's all for now, but there will be more hideous space-things have more tomorrow!
15. Prawns
Ah yes, these guys. You know, when I first heard about District 9 I thought "Apartheid with aliens? That's a stupid idea!" but very quickly I was convinced otherwise and a large reason why was because of the aliens, insensitively called Prawns by the Human characters. They're big nasty bugs with face tentacles, making them look like a certain Great Old One.
Plus they subvert the all-too-common trope of all-powerful alien invaders. Yes they have superior technology, yes they have a giant spaceship looming over South Africa and of course they have irresistible weapons, but they're powerless here on Earth for reasons I can't remember being explored and I think that's wonderful.
Plus, any movie that can make me tear up when the aliens die is a good movie.
14. Tholians
Ah yes, Star Trek. As I'm told, when I was a tiny baby in the 90's I would run towards the T.V. every time I heard the opening to The Next Generation and I would occasionally take my uncle's model of the U.S.S. Voyager and run around the house with it. Yes, I was an adorable child.
Recently, I've been watching episodes of the Original Series. My favorites being The Doomsday Machine and The Trouble With Tribbles. But another episode stands out to me for it's creatures: The Tholian Web.
The unfortunate part is that the Tholians themselves only appear onscreen for a couple seconds and they don't actually leave that much impact. Yeah, they have a cool voice and they look like they're made of crystals but that's all you see of them.
Flash forward a few weeks when reruns of Enterprise are on. I was intrigued as it was a Mirror Universe episode which are, with no exception, always good. Too my surprise it had Tholians in it and it was a sequel to the only other episode with them in it.
13. Buggers
Idontknow is always recommending terrible things to me, like browser-games and books, one day in particular he told me to read something called Ender's Game. And he kept telling me. And kept telling me. Eventually, out of politeness I finally bought the book.
I read it all in about three days. There's plenty of things to like about it, foremost is that the author predicted the invention of the Internet long before computers were commonplace. But even better then that are the resident aliens: The Buggers. Now, no description is really given for what the Buggers look like except that they're insect-like so I just assume they're typical bloopity-bloop aliens, which is fine with me. Also, as far as I know, they're the earliest instance of a hive-mind species. You'll notice later on in this list that I like hive-minds.
12. Body-Snatchers
I love a good 50's Sci-Fi movie and Invasion of the Body-Snatchers is one of the seminal works of that era. Like hive-minds, the concept of a creature assimilating or replacing a person is just plain appealing to me. So of course, the Body Snatchers are on this list. Sadly, I haven't gotten to see the 50's version yet, only the new one from 2007 version and the one with Lenard Nimoy and Jeff Goldbloom which I think is the superior version simply for having those two in the same movie.
Even better is that they were a pretty obvious metaphor for Communism. But they're better than just your garden variety Communism, they're sentient vegetables that will kill and replace you.
Just look at him.
11. Anything from Darwin IV
Back in the 90's there was a guy named Wayne Barlowe who one day he asked himself "Am I a bad enough dude to design an entire extra-terrestrial ecosystem?". Turns out he was and Expedition was published. This is the story of three artificially-intelligent probes which are sent to the planet Darwin IV to investigate the strange creatures living there.
Like the Groveback...
...Bladderhorn...
and this weird looking thing, the Daggerwrist.
I haven't found a copy of this book yet but I want one so badly. If you happen to see a copy at a garage sale of used book-store I seriously recommend getting it for the pictures alone. Especially considering that none of them have eyes and they're all bioluminecent. Is Spock bioluminescent? NO.
Well that's all for now, but there will be more hideous space-things have more tomorrow!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Door
I've gotten used to seeing the blog have colorful pictures. It's certainly a change from the drab black I chose for it, OH WELL. Well, let's keep the theme going:
Bloop.
So, here's a little story that I wrote. Now, I'm very self-conscious about my creative output. About the only thing I care about more than whether it's good or not is if people will think I'm trying to be an obnoxious artist type by trying to make them read a story they don't want anything to do with. Well, I've asked a grand total of two people and they seem to think it's alright but then again it could always turn out that they were lying to me (I'm watching you IDontKnow and Ou812, you iconoclasts).
Well here it is:
"Here it is." Doctor Eliheiser said as he pointed to the huge machine. "You'll be the first person to go through." This wasn't the first time he or any of the other researchers said this to Jhoan and each time it carried the same gravity. He had seen the case footage over and over. Jhoan had been studying for this moment for over three years now, every scrap of data that was retrieved from the remote probes he memorized. He prepared in simulations, he customized his environmental suit for peak performance, he took with him an entire arsenal of scientific equipment to take samples, catalog and record, nothing would go unnoticed, nothing would go undiscovered.
"Ten minutes. No more." Eliheiser reminded Jhoan.
The machine looked absurd from the outside: A simple wood door, slightly worn with tarnished brass knobs and it's frame bolted into a lock that belonged in a bunker. A series of huge hydraulic pistons were riveted to the side and the frame was embedded in a much larger steel framework to create an airtight seal. The whole locking mechanism was part of a much larger concrete wall. It looked like a bank vault that could survive a nuclear blast with a flimsy door attached.
A sinking feeling hit his stomach as the pistons let out a steamy hiss. Every time they opened that door there was something different on the other side.
Eiliheiser hurried out of the room through the airlock as it sealed behind him. Jhoan was on his own now, there was no other way in or out of that room, even all the equipment was powered by a large generator in the corner, nothing to separate him from the door.
The pistons contracted and the door slowly swung open.
Everytime it opened it was something different but it was always a room. Always it was like the door to an ordinary room with ordinary furniture, even if the decorations were sometimes slightly antique. Jhoan wasn't afraid of something living coming out of the door, not once did the remote probes see anything moving on the other side.
But sometimes the rooms would be upside down, or full of water that would come gushing out when the pistons moved, ruining much of the early equipment. Once, the room on the other side was on fire when it opened. But still, not once did they see something living on the other side.
The door churned open, on the other side was total blackness.
He was confused for a minute. "Did the lights go out?" he thought. Jhoan took a cautious step towards the door. It was like there was nothing on the other side at all, as if someone had painted the other side of the wall black. Except, it wasn't just black. Jhoan got an eerie feeling, he suddenly remembered he was all alone.
It was a massive breech of proper procedure, but the test chamber had no cameras except the one Jhoan was holding. His colleagues on the other side of the door had no idea what was going on in that room.
Another step forward, he looked down at the indicators on his wrist band. Nothing unusual was happening, thankfully. There were several times in the past when remote probes would come out on fire, or inside out, or even, in one instance, bathed in deadly radiation, Jhoan was just happy it hadn't happened to him yet.
Another step forward, reluctantly, he stuck his hand through the door. There was nothing, just a black, yawning abyss.
Suddenly, the door broke off it's hinges. The entire steel framework moaned as it was torn to pieces. The abyss suddenly became a huge gaping mouth that swallowed Jhoan whole. He was already falling down an enormous gullet before he realized what had happened.
"Oh my god." He thought "There's something on the other side!"
"Not just something," The gullet said. "Us."
Just as suddenly as the mouth appeared, thousands of tiny cuttlefish drifted out of the fleshy walls of the tunnel. Effortlessly, they picked apart his environmental suit, leaving him in the uniform he had underneath.
Cold, hard, as if the tunnel had suddenly stopped. To his surprise, it had. Jhoan was laying on a tile floor now. He got up and saw that it looked like a giant checkerboard, black and white tiles as far as he could see in every direction. The floor met the night sky on the horizon.
"It's full of stars." he thought.
The floor started to crumble, one by one the tiles fell, revealing the same black abyss underneath. Jhoan tried to run away from the ever expanding hole. Without noticing, he ran into a desert.
"What is this place!?" he yelled at the sky. The sand around him began to rumble and several giant snakes burst out of the ground.
"Here comes the MONEY!" they said in unison. A giant temple rose from the ground underneath Jhoan. It continued to climb into the sky with him on top.
"I'm hallucinating." he thought. "I'll close my eyes and when I open them this will all go away."
But no, Jhoan opened his eyes, and when he looked down he saw that the entire desert had turned into a sea of brightly coloured serpents. The temple he was standing on top of was, as they had said, made of money, loads of money.
Jhoan was only in the door for ten minutes but by the time he was spit back out he was covered in sand, his pockets were full of minerals that had yet to be named by Human science and all his equipment was lost. On top of that, it took a whole week to get him to start talking again. Before that he would just babble.
"Like what?" asked the man in a suit.
"Weird stuff, things about non-euclidean space, doors," the man took a sip from the glass of brandy. "And serpents."
"And the project?" asked the be-suited man.
"Scrapped, they got rid of everything. Not that it mattered, all the instruments were trashed, the only thing they found after the airlock opened was this poor sap lying on the floor and the machine, which was twisted like some kind of avant-garde sculpture. Plus, the door was smashed into splinters."
The man in the suit was silent for a long time, contemplating what he had been told. "What are we dealing with here?" he asked after a drawn out breath.
"I don't really know anymore, it's been classified. Besides, all the people involved are facing court-marshal now. It was vagrant violation of procedure."
"Everyone except Jhoan." said the man in the suit. The other nodded from behind the glass of brandy. His face quivered at the taste then turned to speak. "Another committee has been formed to deal with him."
"How many more doors are there like this?"
"Hundreds, and we're finding more everyday."
Bloop.
So, here's a little story that I wrote. Now, I'm very self-conscious about my creative output. About the only thing I care about more than whether it's good or not is if people will think I'm trying to be an obnoxious artist type by trying to make them read a story they don't want anything to do with. Well, I've asked a grand total of two people and they seem to think it's alright but then again it could always turn out that they were lying to me (I'm watching you IDontKnow and Ou812, you iconoclasts).
Well here it is:
The Door
"Here it is." Doctor Eliheiser said as he pointed to the huge machine. "You'll be the first person to go through." This wasn't the first time he or any of the other researchers said this to Jhoan and each time it carried the same gravity. He had seen the case footage over and over. Jhoan had been studying for this moment for over three years now, every scrap of data that was retrieved from the remote probes he memorized. He prepared in simulations, he customized his environmental suit for peak performance, he took with him an entire arsenal of scientific equipment to take samples, catalog and record, nothing would go unnoticed, nothing would go undiscovered.
"Ten minutes. No more." Eliheiser reminded Jhoan.
The machine looked absurd from the outside: A simple wood door, slightly worn with tarnished brass knobs and it's frame bolted into a lock that belonged in a bunker. A series of huge hydraulic pistons were riveted to the side and the frame was embedded in a much larger steel framework to create an airtight seal. The whole locking mechanism was part of a much larger concrete wall. It looked like a bank vault that could survive a nuclear blast with a flimsy door attached.
A sinking feeling hit his stomach as the pistons let out a steamy hiss. Every time they opened that door there was something different on the other side.
Eiliheiser hurried out of the room through the airlock as it sealed behind him. Jhoan was on his own now, there was no other way in or out of that room, even all the equipment was powered by a large generator in the corner, nothing to separate him from the door.
The pistons contracted and the door slowly swung open.
Everytime it opened it was something different but it was always a room. Always it was like the door to an ordinary room with ordinary furniture, even if the decorations were sometimes slightly antique. Jhoan wasn't afraid of something living coming out of the door, not once did the remote probes see anything moving on the other side.
But sometimes the rooms would be upside down, or full of water that would come gushing out when the pistons moved, ruining much of the early equipment. Once, the room on the other side was on fire when it opened. But still, not once did they see something living on the other side.
The door churned open, on the other side was total blackness.
He was confused for a minute. "Did the lights go out?" he thought. Jhoan took a cautious step towards the door. It was like there was nothing on the other side at all, as if someone had painted the other side of the wall black. Except, it wasn't just black. Jhoan got an eerie feeling, he suddenly remembered he was all alone.
It was a massive breech of proper procedure, but the test chamber had no cameras except the one Jhoan was holding. His colleagues on the other side of the door had no idea what was going on in that room.
Another step forward, he looked down at the indicators on his wrist band. Nothing unusual was happening, thankfully. There were several times in the past when remote probes would come out on fire, or inside out, or even, in one instance, bathed in deadly radiation, Jhoan was just happy it hadn't happened to him yet.
Another step forward, reluctantly, he stuck his hand through the door. There was nothing, just a black, yawning abyss.
Suddenly, the door broke off it's hinges. The entire steel framework moaned as it was torn to pieces. The abyss suddenly became a huge gaping mouth that swallowed Jhoan whole. He was already falling down an enormous gullet before he realized what had happened.
"Oh my god." He thought "There's something on the other side!"
"Not just something," The gullet said. "Us."
Just as suddenly as the mouth appeared, thousands of tiny cuttlefish drifted out of the fleshy walls of the tunnel. Effortlessly, they picked apart his environmental suit, leaving him in the uniform he had underneath.
Cold, hard, as if the tunnel had suddenly stopped. To his surprise, it had. Jhoan was laying on a tile floor now. He got up and saw that it looked like a giant checkerboard, black and white tiles as far as he could see in every direction. The floor met the night sky on the horizon.
"It's full of stars." he thought.
The floor started to crumble, one by one the tiles fell, revealing the same black abyss underneath. Jhoan tried to run away from the ever expanding hole. Without noticing, he ran into a desert.
"What is this place!?" he yelled at the sky. The sand around him began to rumble and several giant snakes burst out of the ground.
"Here comes the MONEY!" they said in unison. A giant temple rose from the ground underneath Jhoan. It continued to climb into the sky with him on top.
"I'm hallucinating." he thought. "I'll close my eyes and when I open them this will all go away."
But no, Jhoan opened his eyes, and when he looked down he saw that the entire desert had turned into a sea of brightly coloured serpents. The temple he was standing on top of was, as they had said, made of money, loads of money.
Jhoan was only in the door for ten minutes but by the time he was spit back out he was covered in sand, his pockets were full of minerals that had yet to be named by Human science and all his equipment was lost. On top of that, it took a whole week to get him to start talking again. Before that he would just babble.
"Like what?" asked the man in a suit.
"Weird stuff, things about non-euclidean space, doors," the man took a sip from the glass of brandy. "And serpents."
"And the project?" asked the be-suited man.
"Scrapped, they got rid of everything. Not that it mattered, all the instruments were trashed, the only thing they found after the airlock opened was this poor sap lying on the floor and the machine, which was twisted like some kind of avant-garde sculpture. Plus, the door was smashed into splinters."
The man in the suit was silent for a long time, contemplating what he had been told. "What are we dealing with here?" he asked after a drawn out breath.
"I don't really know anymore, it's been classified. Besides, all the people involved are facing court-marshal now. It was vagrant violation of procedure."
"Everyone except Jhoan." said the man in the suit. The other nodded from behind the glass of brandy. His face quivered at the taste then turned to speak. "Another committee has been formed to deal with him."
"How many more doors are there like this?"
"Hundreds, and we're finding more everyday."
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